@janey2906 Firstly, welcome to the forums.
I can relate so much to what you’re saying.
Although not an official diagnosis, my councillor has said he thinks I have PTSD - a result from 5 years of CSA from multiple offenders starting when I was 8. I kept my abuse a secret from my family and friends for 40years (they still don’t know). My husband of 26years only found out the details in the last 12months or so.
My husband and I started seeing a marriage councillor 2 years ago, and once my CSA came to light I started seeing this councillor one on one to help me with that.
I feel like I have been wearing a mask all my life, especially the last couple of years. I chose my profile pic because it reflected how I have felt exactly.
I have come extremely close to 3 suicide attempts, the most recent less than 12 months ago.
My husband and I seperated around a month ago, it was also around this time that I felt my councillor had completely let me down and I have stopped my sessions with him.
I have a problem (maybe not the right word, to me it isn’t actually a problem) with dissociation. As a child to cope my mind went to a totally different place but as an adult I slip into a presence that feels no emotion, and that’s where I have been residing for the last month or more. I can’t cry, I really want to but when the tears start I retreat further into this presence and then feel nothing again. I have self harmed to just “feel” something, but even that doesn’t work .
I live in a small rural community, in fact it’s small enough that I have even crossed paths with my abusers a few times over the years - and that is where my mask becomes extremely important - in front of everyone I’m just the same as everyone else, behind the mask I’m screaming and falling apart.
As much as I feel let down by my councillor, he had been a huge help up until that point. I understand in rural communities the supports aren’t always there, but have you considered a therapist? Being in a session was the only time I felt like I could drop the mask and be “real” - and that was a fantastic feeling.
Do you have any close friends you can be “real” with and confide in? Bottling it up doesn’t help. Reach out to members on the forum, here you are anonymous and can speak your truth,
and you will find that there are a lot of people that share a lot of similarities.
I hope to see you around the forums. If you place an @ before a name it will tag and notify that person.
Happy to chat anytime ❤️❤️