Lived Experience Forum

[GlossyHygrocybe]

My response to fear is paranoia, searching for potential threats and aggression to scare off any harm I might suffer. This does not help when I am doing these things with the woman I very much love and want to spend my life with. She is traumatised by my behaviours and her past trauma. I am traumatised by some of her behaviours and my past trauma. We love each other very much and we are going to Europe together in a month and I am terrified. I am uncomfortable because I don't know what to do. I so badly want to travel with her, enjoy life with her and hear her life and take photos of her by monuments and get her coffees in the morning. Our relationship is really amazing outside of our trauma issues. I recently was emotionally abusive towards her. There was no intention to be but it happened. I was becoming increasingly separated from reality due to the fact that I was on the wrong medications and (sort of knowingly but untreated) suffering with OCD and ADHD that my medication was supposed to be helping. I am very committed to getting better after the things I have experienced because I want to be a mother some day and I know I deserve love. I am so afraid of being evil. I am terrified I am a bad person and I think that fear keeps itself alive because it is a cycle. The only cycle is self belief but with environmental stressors like my relationship with my partner, I feel like I don't know what's real and what isn't. She picked me up on the way back from the hospital and we had a terrible fight because she uninvited me from a trip I was looking forward to, but in hindsight it's good I was uninvited. I am adjusting to life on new meds and shouldn't be around drinking at all as I am also new to sobriety. But our fight was awful. I felt rejected and spiralled. People are breaking up around us and it's starting to feel like we will fall apart too. She drove recklessly when I was spiralling. I was talking too much and saying to many negative and hurtful things, like she doesn't really love me. I was so disappointed in myself because I had left the hospital with loads of new skills but I know it will take time to strengthen my neurons. I am battling between different mindsets and need to relax when really all I want is someone to hold me and tell me that I'm okay. I need to do that for myself. Everything is terrifying and I am in love. It's all very intense right now 

[tyme]

Dear @GlossyHygrocybe ,

Thank you for sharing. 

We really appreciate your honesty and can see how you have reflected on what has happened recently. 

It sounds like you really want things to work out, yet at the same time, both parties are battling struggles that come with trauma. I hear you love her very much and you want things to work out.

Do you have professional supports in place who can work through some of these strategies with you? I hear you came away from hospital with a quiver full of strats, but just need time to practice them?

For me, it look about 3 years of practice with a trained therapist. It wasn't easy at all, but it was worth it because the results are better than I could have ever imagined.

I don't want to sound like mindfulness is the be all, end all, but something that eventually worked for me was the power of mindfulness. I learnt to control my own mind. I never used to be able to do this so that my actions reflected my tumultuous emotional state.

Now, I am a lot more mindful of how my actions are affected by my thinking and therefore can manage the thinking so that I do engage in harmful behaviours - or less of them anyway.

I CAN be done. Hold on to hope and work with it. Show yourself self-compassion.

[MermaidHair]

Hey @GlossyHygrocybe, I really feel your vulnerability with this post in the love you have for this person, thank you for sharing this with us.

Love is such a tricky and powerful thing that can bring out both the best and the worst in us, you are not alone. I really resonated with a lot of what you wrote because I have been there, I have re-enacted many of my past wounds and trauma within my adult relationships and I had no idea what I was doing and I couldn't control it, It sounds like you are very very aware and ready for change. Even in my current relationship of 2 years things have had their moments as we have both had to work through some issues similar to as you describe. 

Getting yourself the right supports and self care in place will help a lot. I saw a psychologist, started reading a lot about trauma and healthy relationships, established good self care and I journal a lot for therapy too. I wonder what the journey could look like for you?

You are not going to be evil, you are loving and lovable and you can make an excellent mother someday if that is what you want 💜

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Thanks for replying. I have supports in place yes, a psychologist and I am journaling more than I ever have in my entire life. I filled two thirds of a journal in two and a half weeks. I bought a CBT workbook for autistic adults and I am looking forward to practicing. Tonight my partner and I had a chat and it was actually really good. I just want to be a good partner to them and a sturdy, reliable person for myself. I'm over a month sober now which is a good start. I just need to stay off the 'super highway' that is my unhealthy coping mechanisms and toxic traits and 'bushwhack' to something new. (A therapist in the hospital told me this). 

We love each other very much. She is a beautiful person. I am hoping and trying to heal. Self compassion is the key I believe, something I do struggle with a lot. 

Thanks for this

[GlossyHygrocybe]

Thank you for your reply this was really kind. I hope I will make a good mother someday. Wonderful that you have found some healing too. Trauma is hard lol