Hi. Firstly, I just want to say sorry for a total non-participation by me in a long long while. Mostly because the intensity of this roller coaster has had me pushed to the limits in so many ways & I've just found it too hard to even try to say anything worthwhile. Maybe thats selfish...
I won't go into the details, except to say that I love my daughter so much & this has been the most confusing, painful & frustrating period yet. She's so depleted, dejected & heart-broken, the "health" seystem has gigantic gaps that she falls through & she's facing homelessness now too. I'm currently staying with her because I just don't know what else to do.
Something happened today that left me feeling betrayed & I got angry. Part of me knew that it was pretty pointless trying to call her out on it, but I did anyway & it went really horribly for both of us. She's so desperate that she went against an agreement we had that directly relates to a personal boundary of mine. I used to have lots of anger (trauma) when she was little, so its a big trigger for her & we were both triggered today - But I'm the adult right.
So, I feel I try so hard & still get it wrong. We did apologise to each other, after I finally managed to get her out from under the blankets. Now she's asleep on the couch & I'm sitting here trying to be kind to myself & not fall into that old trap of self loathing. I guess I'm writing because I'm struggling with that. And I feel like deleting all of this right now & once again not engaging on this forum. Self judgement too. Wondering if anyone can offer a light in the darkness?