Life can be a Pain

[Zoe7]

Hi @Former-Member I'm doing ok. Haven't been following you much lately (or many others) - trying to just focus on what I can deal with and keep myself safe. Have been thinking of you a lot and hoping you are doing ok though 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I am sorry I haven't been on line - I have had more computer problems that I have actually fixed myself again

I read you post about your Dad and the way no one will hand him a drink and he has to find his way through an obstacle course to get his drinks - that is so unfair and I am so sorry -

Being in hospital they can rehydrate him - he needs better care but you know that -

I have had a few days of really bad pain - who knows what causes a flare - I maybe could have fixed my computer more quickly if I had been feeling better

Pain does wear us down. How do I cope?Basially anything that is not essential has to go by the board - I have spent several days with the hot pack watching TV or reading and finding myself feeling better in the afternoon and evening - but I am tired today and I think I will go to bed early tonight

The cure lies somewhere between resting and moving about without causing physical stress - and the way you feel is normal - it's one more thing to add to all you are going through - and knowing your Dad is ill is likely to make it harder to cope with it - I have found things make it harder - not worse -

And it makes us tired and wears it down - otherwise having my computer working would be so great I would stay here for as long as I wanted to but it is better to take it easy

All the best and sorry for the delay in replying

Dec

[Zoe7]

@Owlunar 

[Former-Member]

That's OK @Dec, understand, was wondering where you got to though (pesky machines). Sorry you had some bad days, me too with the heat, me and pooch nearly died I think lol, still getting back strength. Today was hard with disturbing calls & text msgs from Sydney, but talk about that on my sleeping thread. So tired lately. Oh, did i tell you Bro2 gave me $100 to buy an amazing electronic standing recliner on sale at Salvo? Yep. Finally got it out if the car & up my 4steps inside. So come to sit in and bw good on those days getting up hurts too much. Do you have one of those recliners? This one looks new. I'll post a pic if you like?. Good to see you. xox. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I guess lifting that recliner didn't help your back - but hey - how great that your brother gave you the money to buy it - yes - I wasnt one too and I will get one soon -

Yes - post a pic of it for me - I would like that

Those pesky phone calls from home - ah dear - what to do? what to do?

I guess the calls will come - you went there and gave more of yourself than you really could afford to - but then - you also had to do it for you own sake.

Personally - listen for a while and tell the brothers what to do and get off the phone - or when you get a text answer it when you are good and ready - you went there and did so much and your parents need help

But you can't do it all - be there for your family but don't let them get inside your life - you need your own space

How is your Dad? Is he still in hospital? Tell your brothers to bring your father a drink inside from time to time - I think they get the idea of they are told what to do

I understand so much more about your family now - and yes - your oldies are past it and your mother is instransient. But those brothers can do more in spite of there conditions and it will do them good to help out

Take care of yourself in the heat - I have found I have to take more care than I used to -

Ah - families - we cannot be without them - but they can cause so much trouble for us

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

Just hanging inn there with the pain can be really hard at times - there is only so much we can achieve before fatigue and frustration can catch up with me and I find myself getting tired and tense -

This afternoon I yelled at my doctor - I had enough - and he didn't increase my medication because of the permit - but he changed something and maybe this will help - I think it will

I am tired though - and ready to lie down but thought maybe I could take it easy for the evening and reply to a few posts - I can't do them all - I don't try to

But pain does wear us down - and there is not virtue in claiming some kind of thresh-hold - the thresh-hold is the point when pain makes itself felt.

Tolerance though - yes - there are many things we can do to increase our tolerance and I have over the years - but I feel physically thin tonight

I hear what you are saying and I could suggest to you to speak to your GP about a pain clinic - but they vary - and some programmes are brutal - I have been fortunate with my helpers all through my decades long chaos

But - butbutbut - at the bottom line - we do have to ride it out - sorry about that

Dec

[Former-Member]

can't remember if I posted it, thought I did, I like the chair is narrow, not too chunky and be good those days its agony to stand myself up (not often thank God). Give me a min to reread your last posts xox

[Former-Member]

Soz, took a while to write, only have the mobile, cont go online otherwise and its so fiddly.

You're right @Owlunar, lifting that recliner didn't help the back, or blood pressure, but i kind of 'rolled' it, with a bang, oopsy! but no damage. Its when we try catching these things we hurt ourselves. Surprisingly heavy, solid metal frame I guess, hope you find one for yourself. Saw a few on eBay.

Fortunatrly the 'pesky' ph calls & tx have stopped today, admittedly I did put the phone on 'aeroplane mode, blocking everything, to have a break (feel in control), but bro2 sent another big garble about taking my parents rights away, and got a negative email about that from bro3 with a disgusting picture joke attached - somewhat inappropriate I thought, nauseating actually - I wonder if they forget i'm not one of their pub / drug buddies, not respectful of women either, don't quite know how to deal with it (accept to ignore him a while), Part of their illness (MI) is 'lack of empathy'. Grr

Yes, I think going down for 3wks, helping out, doing stuff, spoke volumes more than phone calls or tx. Also, I don't just do it for them & me but for God. "what you do unto others you do unto me" Jesus said. This helps me a lot, for my reward is spiritual, and it is enough.

You know, to be compassionate, they say "hurting people hurt people" I think your mum & mine were damaged at an early age, to be like this. I often wonder if my mum had/has brain damage which altered her personality. When I was young - she had her Rt eye removed due to melanoma and suffered a lot of tissue damaged by to 'cobolt' treatment. Who WANTS to actually go round being combative & vile & hurting everybody, even loved ones, every day? Then switching at the drop of a hat to a melancholy thoughtful sweety, then, hold onto your seat, turn into a flighty, giggly, playful witty 'life of the party' teenager. I can't keep up. Never knew what we were gonna wake up to, still don't know, who I'm gonna have to deal with with her moment to moment, grr. Crazy stuff!

How do you stop family from "getting inside your life" ? They're already there, always have been, even genetically. Guess I moved a long way away to get my own headspace, but technology closes that gap. Felt on the receiving end of the all that with my son tonight. Really want to talk to him, feeling a bit lonely so tx "how are ya, want a call?" His reply was: "I'm watching a movie and would prefer to just have a quiet evening. But thanks anyway" Its hurts a bit but just replied "fair enough, love you" But hey, I'm not cruel like my ma and he's an introvert and well, it is Friday, guess my need to talk with my son is low priority, my needs hmm, what are they lol

Yes, my Dad Is still in hospital with bad UTI, he's better off there but misses mum. I have many times asked mum & brothers to bring dad a drink, and they say they try but forget mostly grr (selfish minded bachelor brains. Oops sorry), doesn't help that ma tells them not to grr, and thinks I'm undermining her decisions making, its her home... Yes, I agree that staying 'active' is her noble motive pushing dad, but its a 'hydration' issue - honestly, we have to learn to 'pick our battles' Also, The thing is, it's not my house, home, not my kitchen. Dont know what ya meant re mum being 'instransient' Bottom line, right or wrong, who am I to impose my values on anyone?

Sorry your pain is so debilitating and most days you're 'Just hanging in there' with it. So exhausting. Hope I don't get this bad.

No point yelling at your doctor, especially if they've made up their mind, you can't win.that one losing the plot unfortunately. I hope the medication does help.

Yes, pain does wear us down - actually, I have no memory of pain today as I lay here in bed, feel nothing actually, think we just get use to it but maybe today is a good day for me, have been resting though. Don't want to go to a 'pain clinic' - nobodys mentioned it, not there yet, besides, they all hassel me to blo#dy lose weight which, yeah right - would if I could, morons! oops there I go again. Anyway, like you say - pain is subjective, lonely, we do have to ride it out.
xox

[Owlunar]

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@Former-Member - I've copied your post again because it's easier to go through your points that way

@TAWNEY wrote:
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You're right @Owlunar, lifting that recliner didn't help the back, or blood pressure, but i kind of 'rolled' it, with a bang, oopsy! but no damage. Its when we try catching these things we hurt ourselves. Surprisingly heavy, solid metal frame I guess, hope you find one for yourself. Saw a few on eBay.

 I find lifting anything heavy can disturb my back - and I did work in Occupational Therapy to learn how to move things and pretty much what I could and couldn't do - in time I have learned but I am getting older as well - it get's you coming and going - darn it - but yes - sudden moves cause extra and lasting pain - any sudden movement does

I am planning to get one of those electrical recliners - I will get a new one because I have no way of getting it delivered here any other way - and as I am feeling better this morning I hope that I will get around to this soon - time to start looking them up on the internet - get an idea of prices and what is available

Fortunatrly the 'pesky' ph calls & tx have stopped today, admittedly I did put the phone on 'aeroplane mode, blocking everything, to have a break (feel in control), but bro2 sent another big garble aboutp taking my parents rights away, and got a negative email about that from bro3 with a disgusting picture joke attached - somewhat inappropriate I thought, nauseating actually - I wonder if they forget i'm not one of their pub / drug buddies, not respectful of women either, don't quite know how to deal with it (accept to ignore him a while), Part of their illness (MI) is 'lack of empathy'. Grr

Those brothers - vent all you like about them - I think they could do better but they haven't had guidance - and it seems men do not manage some ordinary life-challengings as women do. If you put your phone into flight-mode the messages should still be there in case anyone else posts a text - I think - but you can look when your frame of mind can take a grumbling garble - and tell him he can't do that legally - and Bro3's disgusting pics - well - after my mother's funeral I snarled at my brother for using foul language in front of me, dd and gd - I don't think anyone needs to put up with that - so let him know - if that will make you feel better - you don't deserve that - sheesh

Yes, I think going down for 3wks, helping out, doing stuff, spoke volumes more than phone calls or tx. Also, I don't just do it for them & me but for God. "what you do unto others you do unto me" Jesus said. This helps me a lot, for my reward is spiritual, and it is enough.

You are right about "doing unto others" - you did a good thing - at huge cost to yourself - you alone will reap the benefits of what you did - and you got in on the ground floor to see the situation for for yourself - this should give you some control over the situation - knowing more - and I hope it all helps you because i can see what all of this is doing to you - and it is very hard

You know, to be compassionate, they say "hurting people hurt people" I think your mum & mine were damaged at an early age, to be like this. I often wonder if my mum had/has brain damage which altered her personality.

I am absolutely sure that most people do not wake up in the morning wondering what they can do to hurt people - (there could be some who are so badly damaged that they do) - I am sure my mother was damaged - I did a deep inner journey to find my mother - I asked both my father's brothers what they could tell me and remembered everything I could and put it together to "see" my mother - even went to Canberra to find out what I could about her father at the War Memorial. Mum was bereaved by her father and her older sister when she was only a child - and her mother had to work - which is harsh - and when I went to the War Memorial and read up on my grandfather he was not the man I had heard about all my life - and how hard would it be to have your mother badmouthing your father all your life - from when you were old enough to understand - and my mother was afraid of everything and lived a life where everything had to be certain and sure and she could never be wrong and scarred the three of us with her behaviour -

But I don't think she planned it - she found herself with the Ugly Duckling in her nest a year after she was married - and a year after that - the Black Lamb - and there was WW2 - and this is the short story - but as damaged as they were - as little responsiblity as they had - our mothers did hurt us and our siblings - and this is life - this is how it is - and we can't change the past - we can only find some way of not letting it hurt us anymore - and I am trying to find that path.

We don't forget and my therapist told me that forgiving comes in layers with the braver minds sorting through the layers of the past and learning what they can from the data they can locate

About your son - this has to be hardests of your relationships - it must be confusing to him to have this extended family - and as you said - he is introverted  - and I have been through the same stuff with my dd - and she has a right to the way she feels - as does your son. If it helps - dd is becoming more considerate but I don't see her for weeks on end - her new thing - practising the guitar and playing with the "band" takes a lot of time but as a musican myself I am very pleased with this new phase of her life - we are on good terms - and you son is only 16. When dd was 16 she was a prickly cactus in my life -

My suggestion is at some time when he is remote and silent just say "I am here waiting to listen whenever you are ready - today or in twenty years. Yes - I know how hard this is - I have been through it and I have a dd I am sure would do whatever she could if the need arose. She lost her sibling too - and there are deep resentments there we can talk about some other time

And about your brothers - you are right - we need to pick out battles - and old bachelors are a weird to me - having been in a long term not-romantic relationship with one - they are selfish - and only see the need for themselves to be served and they are self-centred. It's your Ma's house of course - but regarding your father's drinks - he needs them and they are being cruel about it - for old guy - I am starting to love him reading your posts - it is probably quite different - but that is your business - he needs to have his drinks handy - it's a human right.

And while it is not right to impose our values on other people - we do have the right to insist on other people treating us with respect - that is our right

Things were so different between me and my mother - she was "intransient" - she could not be wrong about anything and could never shift her ideas and her habits of destructive behaviour were something she never saw and never wanted to look at in anyway - she could not change - and in that way she was a very wounded person - but she did try and enforce her values on all of us - I rebelled and because the smart-arse I will always be - though I have toned it down - my bro is an alcoholic and my sister our mother's clone - and our mother forced her ideas - limited insight etc - into us - but I was different - I fought back - and through decades of my life I had no access to my family - my parents, my siblings - my inheritance, my background -

I hoped your back doesn't get this bad either - but yell - I have always been a yeller - it doesn't happen often now - but I was desperate when I was in pain yesterday and when someone - in this case my doctor - raises his voice to me - I will raise mine to be heard - and he has written me a script for something else by and I am reducing one of my other doses - and this morning - with a lower dose of the slow release - I slept fine and was able to get up straight away when I woke up about 10.30 - and now I have to go up to the pharmacy for the new tablets

I didn't lose the plot - if he yells at me I will yell back - and I have been compliant with the medication regime since I have been his patient and it has been "intransient" but then the pain wears me down until I feel desperate - I will make my voice heard - and he did hear

I am not a passive person - the problem lies with my pain specialist - and she is also "intransient" - but according to the permit this change is allowable -

I gotta go and get that script filled - hoping that the pharmacy has those tablets - or I will have to get a taxi and go to another pharmacy -

Good to communicate - always

Dec.
xox

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[MoonGal]

@Decadian - I live with chronic sensitised pain syndrome caused by a catastrophic back injury (which shows up in MRI) I am on a sec 8 medication too after a couple of years of being taken off meds by a very strict pain specialist, I am so relieved to have some decent pain relief again the past few months. I don;t know if you have tried this but when my back is very painful I use a TENS Unit for a few hours on and off over the day, particularly if I am having to do housework. I find it incredibly helpful.

I learned a lot about how the brain is the place where all pain is processed - 'all pain is in the brain" and the neurological components of chronic pain. And the learning of these things has helped me manage the back pain much better. Note when I say brain I mean the brain the organ & the spinal cord and nerves, not our 'mind'.

The tens unit I use is very helpful, the lower back settling on for 15 minutes while I walk slowly or do a bit of housework, or even just sitting It diffuses the intensity of the pain.
https://www.medshop.com.au/products/omron-tens-massager-hv-f127