@AppleblossomThat is so sad. I'm so sorry all that happened to you. It's annoying when the mind decides to have a leash of it's own and it feel ialien, as if it has gone wandering off the reservation and can't be roped in. I hated it, I knew in a way it was my "fault" but that didn't really help trying to reel it back in.
I'm sorry I couldn't find this post for a bit, couldn't remember where it was hence the long delay in response.