@Spacemum
I personally suffer from BPII and there’s a few things I’d recommend to think about.
I know things must be tough for you as a parent when you feel like the attacks and blame is coming your way. The best defence is to build your own knowledge and to be an understanding parent, rather than being uneducated about what your daughter might be experiencing both mentally and biologically.
1st, just because someone has bipolar it doesn’t mean that everything they do / think is related to or should be blamed on the disorder. It is easy to make someone’s mental illness the scapegoat, rather than addressing the underlying issue. To say “oh, my daughter is angry/depressed about her childhood because of bipolar” makes very little sense to me, because it just isn’t how the disorder works.
2nd, if you believe that your daughter is in the depressed (down) or hypomanic (elevated, irritable) phase of bipolar when she’s saying these things, I wonder whether she is taking medication? If her outbursts are a reflection of her symptoms, medication is the best way (IMO) to blunt the ups and downs, and therefore puts you in a position to have a more rational conversation about things. However, because she is married it isn’t your place to go and tell her she needs medication. Again, that’s insensitive and it’s better to take a family approach from a place of respect and caring.
3rd, take an interest in her and her disorder to avoid being insensitive when speaking to her. There is a great book called “The Bipolar Survival Guide” by David Miklowitz which you should read before having a conversation with your daughter about anything to do with her bipolar. There is also a great YouTuber psychiatrist, Dr Tracey Marks, who has great content on bipolar.
I hope you can see the theme here - treat your daughter with respect by acknowledging that her issues may not be surfacing because of bipolar. If you haven’t already, educate yourself on bipolar properly by studying it to ensure that you are a good support for her, and to show her (and the disorder) the respect is deserves.
I hope that helps, and I’m sure with love and care you’ll be breaking through with your daughter in no time.