Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

hi all so I had an arguement with my online date on the phone last night and now today im not talking to him,and he hasnt talked to me since last night,and I feel exhausted been sleeping then decided to call a family member but shut down on them too ,Im shutting down on people staight after reaching out to talk to people,theres alot I cant say even on here in regards to our argument very personal arguement which is basically why it hurts bad that we are not speaking to eachother I dont know where we stand now with eachother Ive already apologised but we havent talked properly since then just a few messages straight after our fight on the phone but it wasnt enough to clear the air afterwards at least not for me it wasnt besides that we have always talked late into the night hours 11pm,12pm,1am,2am in the morning as he works fulltime during the day so we have to talk at night and then Im exhausted and cant sleep and he is exhausted to go to work at 6:15am in the morning after each night we talk late we have up untill that point liked talking and getting to know each other ,besides that I dont eat much or rest much during the day although Im trying to force myself to rest its very hard to rest when theres been so much lack of sleep,lack of routine,lack of everything except for putting all my time and effort into talking to him,I hope we talk again cause its like hes perfect for me and vice versa despite personal issues that we have individually been dealing with seperately ine each of our lives ,I dont want to lose him cause it feels like hes the one for me ,there he is right there everything in a man that a want stareing me straight in the face and yet I cant let myself be his,He is so giving but im not good enough,deserving enough,unhurt enough to let him be my man,Im so used to being the giver the one who gives to others that I dont leave much to give to myself and im not letting the man do the same for me either hes trying to give me all his time and effort and yet I cant let myself accept it even though I like him and need him and yes I do want him so bad that other things in my personal life have fallen apart at the seams but it appears to him that I dont really want him ,when I actually do want him but I feel like I havent expressed it properly and clearly to him everytime he asks me certain things about wether I agree with him ,Im having trouble expressing my true feelings to him even though I need to,Im being so indirect and then shut down on him too instead of opening up about my feelings or thoughts or whatever to him,I know he is the one,dont want to lose him  

[TideisTurning]

Hey @LostAngel, I'm hearing that this means a lot to you, and the hope it will work out along with a bit of anxiety about how it'll work out. That's a lot to try to navigate! Sitting with you as you do so. 💜

[Mazarita]

Hi @LostAngel it seems you are very emotionally involved with this man, very worried, and yet if I'm not wrong, I don't think the two of you have met in person? I was similar a lot when younger, honestly a bit desperate for love when single, latching on to people who seemed okay and then idolising them without even knowing them really.

Did you know that science recognises that for the first three months of romantic relationships we are in the grip of very strong hormones. This is a kind of 'honeymoon period' when we can basically see no wrong with the object of our affections. In a way this is a stage where love hasn't yet happened. For those months it's more like an infatuation.

I do not know your age, but I was kind of like that with people I wanted all up until I was about 40. Then I met someone who I have now been traveling life with for almost 18 years. I'd probably go back to being the same infatuated, lovesick, very anxious person seeking love if I was alone again, even at the age of 58!

All of this is to say that I have an idea where you might be in this online relationship. In fact I once had an affair with a man I'd met on the net, back in the late 1990s. I actually flew to America to be with him! A crazy time. We did have the same connection as on the net in some ways, quite amazing to find that. But in real life, we were just too different, our rhythms didn't match and it was a very volatile relationship. At one point the police came and put him in jail overnight to cool down after we'd had a big fight. It had to end even though we both felt we loved each other.

But love is not meant to be fighting and worry. It's making each other happy, laughing, being playful, accepting and generally enhancing each other's life in many ways. It actually took me until the age of 40 to realise this, following 20 years of destabilising, angst-filled relationships that did not bring happiness for either of us.

Ideally, I think it would be best if you could just chill out a bit about it all, let it develop slowly and naturally. But I do understand how that can feel impossible when our emotions are galloping away with us!

Anyway, from someone who is probably a lot older than you, I give you these thoughts, for whatever they may be worth for you to consider about your connection with this man on the net. 

[LostAngel]

thank you @TideisTurning need someone to keep company even though Ive pushed away even family at the moment Im trying to sit calmly 

[LostAngel]

Thank You @Mazarita for the advice Im not really listening to anyones in person advice but I am thankfull for your advice,you seem to understand the strong emotions and what they feel like

[Mazarita]

No worries, @LostAngel. You will work out your own unique way of dealing with things with time. We all make our own decisions, and I always respect that in others as well.