Hi
@Axl38 and welcome to the forum. It sounds like things are really tough right now. How long have you been feeling like this?
I'm someone who at times has felt suicidal. I've sat wondering whether it could ever get better, being almost certain it wouldn't and couldn't. I don't struggle like I used to and I am glad I'm still here. I think it helped me to hold on to that 'almost' part of being almost certain it wouldn't get better. I couldn't know for sure whether it would get better but I knew I had to be around to see whether it would. I also held on (and still do at times) to the idea of suicide being a permanent solution to what is likely to be a temporary problem. It sounds cliche but I know things can change and pass.
Do you have any supportive people in your life who know what you're going through? It also helped me to talk about it with people who cared and who could understand or at least try to understand.
I get how hard it is to be in a place where it's a struggle to feel like it's worth continuing and I know lots of people here get that too. I hope you find it helpful to be here.