Lived Experience Forum

[RubyBlue]

First post.

I tried to take my life just before Christmas. Ended up interned for a few weeks. It was a good experience for me. Left feeling better. 3 months down the track and all those gains are gone.

My question is, what if I don't want help? What if I don't want someone to stop me? Does that make sense to anyone? I know I could call a crisis line, go to see the doctor AGAIN! Talk to the psychologist, psychiatrist, GP, counsellor etc etc. But what if I don't want to be talked out of it? I am just sooo tired. And after years and years of this, it does seem like all we have been doing is rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

[Jynx]

Hi @RubyBlue , welcome to the forums.

I'm glad you decided to post, to express these thoughts and how you're feeling at the moment. I hope in doing so you've been able to lighten your mental load - feeling like you've lost what you gained is indeed tough to think on, and might feel really overwhelming. Healing is never linear, and sometimes when the lows return it can be really discouraging. But it also seems like you're reaching out for support and understanding here on the forums.

We are here for you, and you can always get in touch with the moderators and community managers should you need. I'm going to drop you a follow up email just to check in with you. 

[Longingtobelong]

Hi RubyBlue

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. The forced isolation has definitely impacted my mental health big time & I have also been struggling more than ever!

My diagnosis is complex-PTSD.

I am not sure what I 'should' be saying to you under these circumstances but want you to know I  hear you.

Sending love & warm hugs 

[chibam]

Hi @RubyBlue, and welcome!

I can relate to much of your post, especially in that I too am not interested in being "talked out of it". I would be very interested in productive discussion that would deliver solutions to my problems (although by all accounts there is virtually no hope of that ever happening), however I'm not interested in being lectured on how "I have to accept and endure" my nightmare, because "suicide is just the wrong choice."

I wish I could offer you solutions, but as I say, I'm pretty much stuck in the same dillemma myself. If I knew how to fix it, I wouldn't be here.

[Stellar001]

My partner says I always rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic: I believe I do it with great purpose, and I think he disagrees; Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and giving them a voice for me to hear; You made me smile today and I felt more happier as I know I am not alone with this action; and by bringing things back into order after I have felt uncomfortable with a chaotic experience I feel like I have restored something in my psyche. Stay Safe.

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @RubyBlue,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this tough time. I know the episodic nature of mental health issues can make a lot of people feel so disheartened and disappointed. 

No pressure to reply, but just wondering how you're travelling today? 

[RubyBlue]

The Titanic sunk right? I just can't figure out if i am one of the ones in a lifeboat or one of the hundreds who are freezing to death in the water. Sorry, very melodramatic!  And yet, there it is. I want somebody to know that i have fought so very hard. I didn't give up easy. I am safe tonight but i can't speak for tomorrow. 

[Stellar001]

I love your powerful analogy, I hear the voice of a narrator speaking to me when you write. I am reminded of a time long ago when my words always let me down, and a more recent time when my voice was not heard. Thankyou for sharing your amazing voice, I am hearing your strong voice. Bless You and Stay Safe.

[Kurra]

Hi @RubyBlue
It sounds as if you sre doing it really tough right now. I have some understanding of how you might be feeling as I have been in this situation too many times.
Please reach out to the professionals who do care about you. It's Sunday evening but help.is at hand. Lifeline is available 24 hoursa day. If you don't want to talk on the phone they also have an internet chat set up so you can contact them that way too.
Take care because each and every one of us is special. That includes you too.
Do write back and let us know how you are today.
Hugzzz 💕

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs @RubyBlue 

how are you today xx

@Kurra, @Stellar001 , @chibam , @Longingtobelong