Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Hi @Rainbow7 @silverspoon @Meterpreter @Gazza75 @greenpea  and welcome to the forums those of you who are new.

I know that for myself I need both.  They work in completely different ways.  The psychiatrist for meds to keep my bipolar 1 relatively stable and the psychologist for therapy for complex PTSD due to a lifelong trauma history (I'm 56) and various phobias and anxiety and depression ... (CBT, DBT, EMDR and making strategies to deal with triggers and much more).  I am lucky to have both I guess but it is a struggle financially sometimes.  Much easier once I reach the medicare threshold each year.  I am on a DSP but believe investing in my health is an important priority.   I also fought for NDIS for 1 1/2 years and was eventually accepted (long story on the "Anyone started with the NDIS?" thread).  So that now covers me for significantly more psychology per year.

What makes a big difference compared to a long history of many other psychologists and a few other psychiatrists is that the ones I see now communicate with each other and both have significant trauma training.  I think that's an ideal situation and worth searching for.  I know I'm much more stable and making a lot more progress in therapy than ever before.  My psychologist says she will work herself out of a job ... I will reach a point in my recovery where I will manage without her.  She gives me hope.

[Maxi7]

@Razzle 

Hi sorry to read about your experiance as well as the Family issues.

I have Cptsd and have know for many years I did see a very good counselor for a few years all was going well until My Wife needed assistance post our son sustaining an ABI. I recommended my Counselor and it was not a great outcome as the waters got muddied by the polar opinions on a few topics as any good friendship marriage will have. The counselor got confused about which opinion he was working wi try. I now see a psychologist have done for 5 months and will always keep my professionals separate to friends and family ours is a s mall city so I travel north for my treatment worth the hour drive each way. I saw 3  before I felt comfortable with  my current psychologist.. 

Post what my GP and I diagnosed was incorrect treatment in a unit I am very picky. I will not go back if I know anymore about my Psych than there Name basic info about experiance contact details and date time and address of next apointment. I have an interest in motor sport my Psych must have an interest as well as they make reference to that if I need diverting a little. That's all I know about them.

My Daughter in law has BPD it took 5 Psychologists to find one that could work with her. 

As a very brave CSA survivor please take a fools advice dont bury your past nor try and deal with it alone it cost me the most precious person in the whole universe.

Take some time to mend from what you have disclosed and then see a qualified person. Seek out one you feel comfortable with be exclusive and work towards tomorrow with them. 

Thank you for reading my ramble.

[Maxi7]

@silverspoon 

Hi thanks for telling your story. Our road is long and mostly requires our continually thinking planing and being vulnerable to our past. 

A good Counselor, Psych can be hard to find. And unfortunately I have found like you some listen and react. Where the ones of value listen arses and pull your story apart. Then they will work with you to find out what made you. 

By saying what made you I mean. Our life story makes us what we are  various things and experiences fill the bucket of tolerance to over full this then sets us off into reaction mode. I drank, I was and still am an adrenalin junkie and I walk alongside my past hourly. A good Counselor or Psych will work with you find the life story out and help you walk alongside it. Be very choosy  about who you talk to. Don't s hare them with loved ones no matt err how good they are as this muddied the waters.

@CKS keep strong look forward be proud. Regards Maxi7

[Razzle]

@Maxi7   Thankyou for your response. I agree, I think one of the bigger mistakes I made was using the same councillor for both marriage counseling and for CSA counciling - the waters got muddied big time.  

My husband and I had a joint session, my husband was saying how well things were going, that he wasn’t keeping any secrets, wasn’t withholding any information regarding my son and the mess he has found himself in  - when in fact he was doing exactly that, and which he confessed to me that night.  I had messaged my son that day - without knowing what was going on and his partner saw the message which led to a whole miscommunication that has now seen me be cut off from my son and grandchild by her.  

Something similar but without these ramifications happened a few months ago and my husband promised to not leave me out of the loop so that something like this wouldn’t happen.

I was distraught and contacted my councillor - something he told me to do, if I needed him outside of sessions, I was to contact him.   I know he’s busy so I sent a text, I didn’t phone him because I’d only get a machine and I was too upset to talk.  I seperated from my husband that day also.  The councillor contacted my husband a couple of days later and told him he’d call me the next day because he didn’t have time that day.  The next day I got a text to say he’d run out of time again that day so he’d speak to me at our CSA session the next day.  He’d completely shunned me for my husband who had sat and lied to him at the previous session, he’d made time for him and ignored me, so I never went back.

My councillor has messaged me a couple of times since I stopped our sessions, he’s apologised, he’s said he should not have contacted my husband and ignored my message, that he should not have neglected me in a crises, but I have lost trust in him now and can’t see any point in returning to him.

Im feeling pretty burned my everyone at the moment, hurt would be an understatement.  This councillor knew more about me than anyone, and when I reached out to him he turned his back.  I’m not going to set myself up for that to happen again, not with anyone.

[Shaz51]

Hi @Rainbow7 @CKS @Meterpreter @Gazza75 @greenpea , @Maxi7 , @eth , @Razzle 

sending you all hugs for today and everyday

[Maxi7]

@Razzlethank you for sharing that was very brave and I know I would find it hard to do.

As CSA survivors we must endure things that most people do not realise nor in many cases do they wish to. as for your Counselor (this is only my opinion) they acted in a very inappropriate and unprofessional way. you did the right thing not returning to them cutting that person from your life is the correct path to follow. Please don't allow this bad experience to derail the beautiful you. use this as yet another learning experience and keep any important interactions for you and you only this can include trades people and even a favourite bakery to be kept as your own private little piece of exclusivity.  I struggled with this for a long time but I can be selfish now and have a couple of things.Our property has a dam on it it has fish in it and is 500 metres from our house we did go and explore it 2 years ago when we moved in but no fish where seen. I noticed the fish one afternoon when I needed time alone I go fish in the dam every now and then I have a rod and reel stored up there and do not take anyone nor do I tell them. I catch and release so I can keep it my place my little me thing I do the same with my specialists for my CSA and past abuse.

I did feel the same re treatments due to the impact on my life. my psychiatrist admitted they "opened a huge wound and left me infected without medication". I was having very vivid nightmares that were so real I was back to being that 11 year old boy being abused and fighting to get away during one of these nightmares I punched my partner in the middle fighting to get away. The lifelong anguish that CSA creates is cruel it has the ability to change the rail track switches and send us down alternate paths. I for one have had this happen on multiple occasions. especially post the Gross exposure therapy. Nor am I accepting of the way this has effected the most important person in my world he is only young and has been taken away from his family by people who are like your therapist are unprofessional. 

It has been 10 months since he slept in his bed. I have been forced to take the plunge back into treatment but will not do this blindly as I nor my GP will allow a return to bad reactions and the side effects this created.

I am sure given time to recover from the treatment I was given and time to make an informed decision I would have gone back to treatment of my own accord although still with much research and trepidation. I do not wish to have a PTSD episode like I had again.

I completely understand and support you not seeking treatment due to what happened. I have a very good pain management specialist (another story for another month) who is a straight shooter and  was informed of my breakdown post the treatment, he has  and still advises me to seek treatment as no treatment will cause bigger issues later in life.

when you have been able to place the recent abuse from Family and therapist to the even more inappropriate treatment of me basket (hard to do I know). Walk along side it as best you can.

I as a survivor decided many years ago during the final days of being an alcoholic to not end my life due to this experience I will not let them win this ultimate prize. although they control so much of my life and always will. a friend who is a survivor helped me greatly about 30 years ago he was part of the same paedophile ring as me. by telling me to never ever try and work out why I was abused why I was selected to be a statistic. why or who allowed certain people to be dealt good or bad life cards. took me a long time and I still fall into the hole I go to my safe place as soon as I am able to interfere with this thought process. my safe place is an area or state land has a huge cliff that has a waterfall that has eroded the cliff and created a rounded edge that is around 40 mtr wide falling into a large pool it has created I had a huge feeling of connection to this place when I first saw it I see my mob there.  I have not been back as it is 1200k from home but will early next year when I can. I had not thought of this place and was using another life experience associated with working not enjoyment until the EMDR session the other day picked it as the appropriate place for me. what I am trying to say is please remember our mind is a very powerful thing it has the power to help us although we  have alternative experience due to events not of our fault cause or even any fault we could have created as we did not create the abusers this was done by others way before our abuse.

@Razzle please continue to stay strong please be kind to yourself when possible. Please be open to assistance I hope your GP is a person you trust and you feel they have your best interest at heart.

Regards

Maxi7

[Razzle]

@Maxi7   Your dam sounds wonderful. There is a creek that runs through my town, it has plenty of water at the moment, but during the drought it was bone dry for a few years.  I find water very calming - not the ocean, but still water.  I often sit in my car on the bank and just stare at it when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  

The first time I experienced CSA was when I was 8, it was a group assault.  Two weeks later I was assaulted again by one of the members of this group.  When I was 10 I was sexually assaulted by a friend of the family, although the details are sketchy, when I realised what was about to happen I “stepped out” - my brain took me somewhere else.  I was lying in a boat surrounded by calm water.  It was nice and warm, there was no land in sight but I felt really safe, like no one could reach me there.  I just lay there cloud watching.  I only became aware of myself when I was outside walking home.

An old man, (friend of the family) sexually abused me from age 11 for almost 2 years.  I used to “step out” a LOT during that time, always to the

boat.  I couldn’t make myself go there,

and I couldn’t just send myself back either, it just happened.  When the abuse stopped the visits to the boat stopped too.

I lost a 9yo son in a car accident 13years ago, and after a particulary difficult day of being treated like a leper from people I thought were friends I went to a park and I found myself back at the boat again.  It just happened, but it has never happened since.  But, being near calm water has a calming effect on me.  It wasn’t until I started counseling that my “stepping out” was explained to me as dissociation.  I still do that, but in a different way now.

I only started having dreams and flash backs after I started counciling.  My nightmares happen as a series of

photographs, not like a movie.  The photos are of events that happened, but the photos are out of order - which makes me focus on them even more when I wake up because I’m trying to put the photos in my head back in order.  It’s not pleasant.

It sounds like you are being forced into treatment, but you also sound ok with that?  I hope it goes well for you and your special person can come home.  I applaud you for doing what it takes to make that happen.

Your waterfall sounds wonderful too.  Isn’t it funny how we have places that we feel a connection to, that aren’t really close to home for us - I have one too.  For me, it’s actually a view, about 200kms from me but not somewhere

I go very often.  It’s on the way out of a town, you go around a bend and then over a hill - and then smack, the view is right there.  It feels very peaceful, it is my most favourite place, it makes me feel good just thinking about it now.

I haven’t seen my GP for about 2

years.  I don’t really like him, he’s just a pill pusher.  I’m generally pretty healthy so have no need to see a dr, and he isn’t someone I would seek out for help.  The joys of living in a small rural community, professionals are few and far between here.