02-03-2021 10:08 PM
02-03-2021 10:08 PM
One of these days I'd like to post on this forum to support someone else who is going through stuff, rather than using it as a coping strategy for myself.
I only recently found saneforums.org and have been using it kind of as a last attempt at self-managing what I'm feeling, before sending a text to my husband to ask him to come home (which is the beginning of my crisis plan).
I think of other things my psychologist and I talk about. Doing something that gets me outside: It's night time, I'm not about to go for a walk out on the farm to get fresh air in my gills (I wouldn't ordinarily leave the house while the kids were in bed anyway). Doing some form of exercise: it's 9.30pm and I'm way past the point of exhaustion, it's not going to happen.
I'm over tired because not getting restful sleep at night, and I know it is having an impact on me. On my mood, my ability to concentrate in the office (which is usually something that fills my cup...bucket... or whatever you want to call it).
So many important things are in a state of flux and nothing is resolved. When things do land, I seem to keep taking knock after knock.
With each hit the mental load gets heavier and it becomes more and more difficult to achieve any level of productivity at work. It has become a massive snowball effect, there's more to do, more overdue, less time and energy to do it with.
I'm lucky if I complete one thing on my list each day now.
Todays challenges were a flat tyre, an email from my solicitors informing me that I needed to add two new directors to my board in order to apply for a particular charity status for our organisation (an administrative distraction I just didn't need); and also got the news that we were unsuccessful with an Expression of Interest on a block of land that we were going to build our office on. That was a gut punch.
Even before today, the red flags were glaringly ovious. Avoiding eating actual meals and drinking more alcohol than normal. Procrastinating paying bills, or packing things up that get left lying around the house.
My irritability is fairly constant. I don't care about showering or dressing. God it's annoying and shameful to see things unfolding so predictably and not have the care factor or energy to act on it.
I need a win.
I need something good to happen to spurr me on, even something basic to take one foot step in the forward direction, before a negative trigger snaps like a tripwire at my feet and sends me spiralling.
I'm bumping along so close to the bottom that I can't afford another hit. I know what it will do to my mental state and my ability to function. I know where my thoughts will go, what I will begin to contemplate, and it's an unfair mess to leave behind for others to take care of.
Right now I'm thinking rationally. There are no guarantees it will stay that way.
I think right now, the best thing I can do is sleep. Nothing else can happen, if I'm doing that. And who knows, perhaps I'll even wake up tomorrow feeling a little lighter.
I hope that wherever you are, if you are reading this, you are above the line. You are fighting the good fight, and winning.
Peace out.
02-03-2021 10:17 PM
02-03-2021 10:17 PM
@Jezz Hey Jezz and welcome to the forums :). I will go for a walk with you around the farm at night time. I am in the city and used to go for walks sometimes at 3am other times at 4.30am. The quiet was beautiful. Best thing about being awake at this time is the quiet.
02-03-2021 10:36 PM
02-03-2021 10:36 PM
Hi @Jezz welcome to the forum.
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are struggling to manage it all. I know what you mean about feeling like you are getting knocked down and with each hit it seems to gets harder to get up again. Also get what you are saying about how things feel like they are starting to not get done and then that piles up and makes it more difficult to do them as there seems more to do all the time.
I'm with the lovely @greenpea about the calm and quiet of night. If you were to consider going for a walk on the farm at night, it may still be a good thing for you if you can face it. Night air possibly giving some clarity and calm. Maybe it doesn't have to be far from the house if the kids are asleep.
Either way I hope things improve for you and that you in some way find the forum helpful, even if just as a place to find others who have been through similar and understand what it can be like.
02-03-2021 10:46 PM
02-03-2021 10:46 PM
Hi @Jezz
I'd hazard a guess you are completing many tasks that might not have made it to your list. Sounds as if you have high bench mark. Rest and sleep is essential, tho not always easy. Nah ... no need to exercise when you are exhausted with kids in the house. Trimming expectations back and being kinder to YOU ... might help.
03-03-2021 11:01 AM
03-03-2021 11:01 AM
03-03-2021 11:07 AM
03-03-2021 11:07 AM
03-03-2021 11:15 AM
03-03-2021 11:15 AM
03-03-2021 11:39 AM
03-03-2021 11:39 AM
@Jezz Hey Jezz to be honest I was mostly either depressed or manic when I did it lol. When I walked at about 4.30 I had my neighbour with me which was nice. Only once did I have a woman who started screaming at me. I was so depressed I didnt flinch just walked by her. I would love to live on a farm. One day maybe xx
03-03-2021 11:46 AM
03-03-2021 11:46 AM
Its a really high standard to survive the 25-35 year parenting period in tact. That doing things well quote was popular in a less stressful time when things were not as complicated.
Take Care @Jezz
I holidayed on a farm throughout my young teens and loved it.
03-03-2021 01:51 PM - edited 03-03-2021 01:51 PM
03-03-2021 01:51 PM - edited 03-03-2021 01:51 PM
Hi @Jezz happy to hear you have found some ideas here that may be of some help you. Oh yes, the night, just for the joy. Looking at stars gives me a feeling of the vastness of things beyond the human world, helps give me some perspective, I think.
I am a perfectionist and that saying you quoted runs through my mind at times. I even remember the time it was said to me by Mum, about 50 years ago! We were making the double bed together and she was teaching me about 'hospital corners'. I also remember regularly something my dad wrote in an autograph book he gave me: good better best, never let it rest, until your good is better, and your better, best. At one time I rewrote it to tackle my perfectionism, which definitly has a destructive side. Mine goes:
best, better, good
don't believe in should
until your best is better
and your better, good.
LOL. A joke, but I am guessing humour may be a valid way of tackling perfectionism as well (fingers crossed).
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