Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

I am really sorry to bother everyone and I am really trying hard I am and I have been trying to keep myself together and I am getting really frustrated with myself because I can’t seem to make it stop and I just want to be able to manage everything but I don’t know. Um I am going to try and explain what is going on but I am struggling a bit so sorry if it doesn’t make sense. 

So things are feeling kind of like they did before only kind of more intense and I keep getting really scared because I don’t think people are humans and I think they are a kind of demon creature and that they all work for an entity that wants to hurt me and this is literally everyone and even my pets and I think the “people” at the hospital put a device in me when I was sleeping which is why they gave me the “medication” to make me sleep so they could put the device in and now they can listen to my thoughts and put thoughts in my head and I can feel the device in there and it is really uncomfortable and I know they know that I know and they are all just laughing at me and I am scared that my food is being poisoned and I feel like everything is watching me and listening to my thoughts and stuff and I am really scared and I feel like they are making me even say things to people like even this I feel like I have to write here but I don’t know if you are all the people back in the actual world or this one I am stuck in but then I don’t know if I ever left where they were keeping me or if they are just making me think that. I am hearing stuff sometimes but they are trying to confuse me about who I am hearing and i am really agitated and  is all stressing me out so I can’t sleep and I am hardly sleeping and I don’t know who to trust or what to trust and my head feels I can’t explain it and I am struggling to keep up with my self care stuff and I don’t know why I just can’t do things and I am struggling to speak a lot of the time and I try but I can’t and I tried telling my “supports” about this but they either aren’t listening or they are in on it because otherwise why would they have done what they did and I am trying to keep calm and distracted but they keep putting things in my head and I just feel really weird and nothing looks right and I don’t know what to do. I am scared that if I can’t look like i am how they want then they will take me back to the hospital and hurt me unless I am still there and ugh I don’t know. 

I am sorry this is really really long I am supposed to see my psychiatrist in a few days or so and I am trying to just wasn’t until that appointment but I am struggling to keep from panicking and idk if anyone has any ideas for how to force yourself to be distracted while you feel really panicked? Like things to calm down when everything is super intense but cold things aren’t working and neither is the DBT stuff right now. I am sorry I don’t know how to ask what I want. Do you guys think I can trust my psychiatrist I keep thinking he also wants to hurt me but I mean I am trying because usually he tries to be helpful and tries to listen but then maybe that is just a trick I don’t know. I also I am safe at the moment I think in case I don’t want people to feel concerned. 

[Guiding_Light]

@Eden1919 

Hello, I know the feeling and much of what you have described, and some of it is not far from the truth that I experienced too, though much of the thoughts and anxiety and fear might also blown out of proportion and it won't help you to be anxious about them by making them into something more than what they are.

I always found psychologists much better than psychiatrists.

I can assure you that I am a real being from out in the world communicating with you online, many of the thoughts that you have arising is a busy mind and it would be good if you can try to not buy into them, they are only thoughts, beliefs and ideas, they have no power on thier own, and they may not be true at all.

Fear and anxiety is the result of a future oriented mind but the future doesn't exist right now, it only exists in the mind by thoughts in imagination.

I will keep this farely short and just suggest the direction that I know helped me,
There is a meditation technique called self-enquiry meditation (ramana maharshi) so if you are at a computer then I suggest that you look it up and try it out, it is a way to overcome a busy mind and end all suffering.
To enquire into those thoughts you have described and ask them "to whom has this thought arisen?" To get to the root of the weed and recognise that you are not your thoughts.

Feel free to also read any of my other posts, i'm sure something there will be relevant and helpful.

Stay strong, these fearful and hard times won't last.
You will be free from the system before too long.

Namaskaram,

Guiding_Light

[Eden1919]

@Guiding_Light  I am sorry your post has really confused me.... I know it isn’t helpful to be anxious but that doesn’t stop me from feeling anxious..... also I know I am not my thoughts but these are not all my thoughts anyway that is half the problem.... meditation is not super helpful for me it normally makes me panic more at least when I feel like this is does. The future does exist but time is a hard concept but it is all the same time everything is in a time I don’t know how to explain it but the future and present are kind of like the same and when you say I will be free from the system which system do you mean? Whose system? And a real being doesn’t mean human being but also you didn’t say what world and maybe I didn’t explain that well that is probably my fault. I am really confused now... 

[Guiding_Light]

@Eden1919 
I know what you mean about time,
but future is determined by the present, and the future never comes, no-one ever experienced a tomorrow.

The present moment is always a life saver out of any troubles because the past and future don't exist right now, they only exist in the mind by memory and imagination, I get the sense that you are refering to all times and parralel earth/realities existing right now which is true, and that's why there only ever is presence, but the idea of "future" and "past" as somewhere else only exist in the mind as memory and imagination, the present moment is always a blank canvas to paint what we want.

everything you see and experience around you is the result of past thoughts emotions and behaviours.
anxiety is the result of a future oriented mind of "what may happen" not what is happening.

As for the voices and thoughts you are experiencing the belief itself that "they are not my own" may be the very belief and thought which blocks and makes you think and percieve them as not your own and it may not be true, so you can question that within yourself, you will know best.

I was refering to the psych system.
I'm sorry if you are confused, confusion though may be a good thing because it's a sign of the beginnings of transformation.

I will stay out of it unless you ask, i'm only trying to help and if it's not serving you then don't worry about it.

All the best,
Namaskaram,

Guiding_Light

[WriterMelb]

Very tough times. I don't know much about your type of situation. I have been through very hard times too. It was hard but trusting my shrink got me through. I wasn't able to trust him totally. But I trusted him enough. Hang on till you see him or her. Peace to you.

WriterMelb.

[Snowie]

Hi @Eden1919 

Sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment.

I don't go through the same things as you do but please don't be sorry. You are not a bother and deserve to be heard and supported like everyone on here.

I think trusting in your psychiatrist might be helpful for you. It does take time to trust our supports and take their advice but perhaps trusting in them can help with all that you are going through.

I am also glad to hear that you are safe.

Please keep reaching out for support on here and in real life, as hard as that might be for you.

Lots of love

Snowie ❤