08-10-2017 09:13 AM
08-10-2017 09:13 AM
I'm really struggling right now. I've been with my partner for 13 years, most of which he has had depression. We've been through some tough times but nothing like it is now. He broke his arm into 3 pieces 3 months ago and is still months away from recovery, he still can't use cutlery let alone work. Due to this, when I'm a work, he spends all day alone in our apartment with very little he can do to occupy himself - this has caused his depression to plummet. In evenings and weekends when I'm around we try to see friends as much as possible to make up for the alone times. Yesterday however I got a call from a girl friend inviting me out for a drink, just like 2 hours. Ive always tried to put my partner first so I often turn down invites for a things where he's not invited (e.g. work drinks) or I just don't make plans for myself alone - so I've lost friends in the past. lately I've found a couple of girls that I've really connected with and this was the first time they called me to hang out with just them (as opposed to in a group situation) so I was excited and don't wanna discourage so I went out for just a couple of hours... Came back and he was so angry with me and hasn't spoken to me since - all my attempts just get grunts and he doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. I know he's alone most of the week and I should be there for him but I just felt like a little break would be nice... I'm really struggling - he's ignored me like this before but it hasn't normally gone past a day and I'm scared. He locks down so much. He's said in the past that I'm selfish and always abandon him when "good times" come around but sometimes I feel like I need a little break but how can I say that without it coming across sounding like he's a burden or something (which he definitely is not). I love this man with the everything I have and it hurts so much when he ignores me and doesn't want to look at me. Any help would be appreciated - I've never posted on anything like this before but I'm just so lost.
08-10-2017 10:34 PM - edited 08-10-2017 10:45 PM
08-10-2017 10:34 PM - edited 08-10-2017 10:45 PM
Hello @Bluebottle
So sorry to read of your struggle with your husband who is depressed at the moment. I have experienced first hand when depressed that if housebound and bored the depression will deepen. It is hurtful when our loved ones take this out on us but please don't take it too personally as it's the depression talking - not him. Your husband does need help. Does he see a psychologist/counsellor or psychiatrist regularly that can help guide him through this? It is vital that he does more productive things during the day as otherwise the dark depressive thoughts will take over his mind. Is there anyone who can help get him out or anyway of encouraging him to keep his mind engaged in something whilst you are at work? This is most important.
There are real life support groups for those who struggle with depression whom do have meetings during the day which could help your partner cope with his depression such as GROW Australia and/or a men's shed in your area. This will also help take some of the load off you. Do you have family who can assist?
I can read at the moment things are tense in the household as your husband is wrongly perceiving that you abandoned him in his time of need. Depression tells those it afflicts that they are worthless, unworthy and no one cares, when alone too much these thoughts will magnify. This depression can turn inwards into anger as well. It's a cry for help from your partner. Perhaps try reassuring your husband of how much you love him and will do all you can to support him - that you are not abandoning him when having time out with friends as he is your priority. Explain that you just need time to unwind and relax with friends occasionally so you can be stronger for him. Perhaps let him know that whilst you are out he can ring you if he needs to if feeling insecure. But mostly just keep reassuring him of your love. If he gets volatile it's best to walk away and let him settle.
If you are at all concerned about your husband's welfare please do not hesitate to ring the mental health crisis line in your state. There are also others here who support partners with mental health issues who may assist you @Former-Member@Determined@Shaz51.
08-10-2017 11:04 PM
08-10-2017 11:04 PM
09-10-2017 12:39 AM
09-10-2017 12:39 AM
09-10-2017 07:10 AM
09-10-2017 07:10 AM
09-10-2017 11:48 AM
09-10-2017 11:48 AM
Hello and welcome to the Forums @Bluebottle
It sounds like you're an amazing support to your husband. As @Former-Member mentioned, looking after you is also really important. Here are a couple of links to Forum discussions about self care:
You can also type "self care" into the "search the Forums" box above to find more conversations. You can click "sort by date" on the right to find newer posts.
I'm glad you were able to take some time out with your new friends - sorry that things have been difficult with your partner since. A supportive text can mean a lot, even if you don't get a reply.
How are things going today?
09-10-2017 12:18 PM
09-10-2017 12:18 PM
@Bluebottle there's also a great SANE blog on self care which you can find here:
13 ways to support yourself and someone you love through a mental health crisis
10-10-2017 03:17 PM
10-10-2017 03:17 PM
Hi @Bluebottle - how are you going? Is your partner now communicating with you?
27-10-2017 09:04 PM
27-10-2017 09:04 PM
04-12-2017 07:59 AM
04-12-2017 07:59 AM
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