Lived Experience Forum

[HenryX]

@Jayneinpain 

Hi Jayneinpain,

Your view on taking medication for dealing with depression is exactly the way I think about it. It is refreshing when someone has a pragmatic view that leads to improved functionality without beating oneself up about it. We are simply fortunate to live at a time when such resources are available. I am still walking independantly as a result of surgery that was not availble in the mid 1900's (1950) I find that the medication actually moves the “curve” up the scale {X-X axis}. There are still the “normal fluctuations” in mood, but certainly a better overall feeling. Don't know that I've explained my thoughts very well, but I hope you follow them.

Depression has been with me for at least the time since it was diagnosed, 20 years ago. I believe, since childhood.

If you have had a look through the discussion between Dani and me, which you are most welcome to do, you would have seen a good bit of Dani's and my backgrounds.

Your description of the chips being a better option than the alternative gave me reason to smile. I like that. And, yes, we are all just imperfect humans, some with more issues than others. If I recall correctly, I think it was Dani I was speaking with, when I said that having a "psychological impairment", and being aware of it, may actually give us an advantage when empathising with others in a wide range of situations. {paraphrased}

Sometimes “a day at a time” is too big a bite.

Are you happy with being referred to as Jayne in any future discussion?

Look forward to “speaking” with you again.

With Very Best Wishes

HenryX

CC: @Dani1981 

[Jayneinpain]

Hi again Henry,

I will start with your last question first. Jayne is fine. It is actually my middle name but it is something I have used occasionally.

I agree that we do become very good at empathising with others through our own experiences. There is a lady in a local shop who I have spoken to briefly on my two visits. When I look into her eyes and watch what happens behind the counter, I feel she is being bullied. she has never done anything overtly to show that but I can see her pain and also see the way the other staff behave towards her. I just want to reach out and give her a hug (even though I'm not normally a hugger).

I had read some or your exchanges with Dani. I was drawn to her writing because I have a neice called Dani who has had a very difficult life and struggled with depression and addiction from too early in her young life.

I have been diagnosed with depression on and off for 30+ years and I'm sure it was there earlier. As a child I used to try to work out ways to take myself away from all the emotional and physical pain in a permanent way. The only thing that stopped me was knowing how much my mother would ridicule me if I wasn't successful. I know that I would have been locked away a long time ago if I was born even 20 years earlier. I know my antidepressants work well on the "normal" days. 

Thank you for your support.

[HenryX]

@Jayneinpain 

Hello Jayne

I'm amused at present because I am writing to you on two threads.

It is very difficult not to be able to do something for a person such as the lady in the shop whom you describe. I can recall many instances of situations with similar characteristics in my life. The desire to give affirmation and assurance in those situations can be very strong.

And yet, despite our best wishes, there are times when we can do nothing, and even if we could, we don't know if anything would change.

I appreciate your reference to your own experience with depression. And I understand the wish to make the pain stop. For me it was emotional and psychological; the physical, I didn't care about. For many years I also felt as though I should stay for my mother's sake. As I realised later, I should have left a lot sooner.

However, Mum and I were fortunate to have been able share the last ten years of her life.

I am pleased to be able to “talk” with you

Best Wishes

HenryX

[Dani1981]

Hi @HenryX 

Thanks for your message. 

I must admit that I am a city girl by heart. I could not dream of being as brave as you to venture out like you have. Being in the country side makes me uneasy!

Thank you for being understanding about my business situation. I was speaking with a friend of mine who is going through personal issues that he did not want to talk about, and all I wanted was to know what his issues were. I just wanted to be there for him, you know? But I had to respect his wishes and did not delve in any deeper.

That is a shame about people 'playing' with other's feelings and emotions as if it was a sport. I hope that was not something you personally experienced.

I totally agree about your paragraph about not thinking about something or someone is actually thinking about it/them. It does bring me joy thinking of this friend, but sometimes it brings me pain too. Pain because he doesnt always reply: which is interesting because that is what I do to you sometimes, I take a long time to reply. The difference is, though, that I am just expecting a one word answer from him. I like to reply to you with substance and depth. Something juicy for you to read if you will. That is why it takes me time to reply. 

I wish I had myself as a friend! I am a good friend, I make time for people and am there for them. But the one thing I cant seem to perfect is my lowering of my expectations of others.

Hope you have a nice day tomorrow 🙂

I have a sore back from work... so I might have an early night and see if i can coax a back massage out of my husband first!

Dani

[HenryX]

@Dani1981 

Hello Dani

The countryside – supposed to be peaceful and relaxing and yet, It makes you feel uneasy and nervous. Definitely a city girl. And here I was talking about today's hectic lifestyle which I associate with the city. I do believe that If I ever went back to city living, I would have to be near some open space or not too far from an “an escape route” to some open air places.

You refer to that desire to help someone, if only you knew what the issue(s) were that they were facing. I think that it is partly curiosity. But we can very often experience a genuine desire to be able to help someone else, if only we knew the details of their circumstance. I think that in my work in the employment field, there were so many things that could be known about another person that we needed to confine our questions to what was relevant to helping them to gain employment or improve their position. Sometimes though, the questions relevant to the position they wished to apply for could be very personal and necessary in order to make a full assessment of the persons capacity or suitability for employment and barriers to them getting the work that they desired. In addition to the obvious questions about experience and relevance of past employment, other questions may be to do with issues: psychological, relationship, lifestyle, etc.

With regard to 'playing' with other's feelings and emotions, there are many situations where such behaviour occurs. Bullies generally get satisfaction from seeing someone else in an awkward, embarrassing, demeaning or other negative position. In work places, relationship and social settings, such behaviour can cause significant distress and discomfort to any person or people toward whom the behaviour is directed. I think that there would be very few, or any of us, who have not observed and, or experienced such behaviour at some level.

The time we take to reply to correspondence from someone else can be dependent on so many variables. Literally available time in a busy schedule, the right mood for an appropriate reply, and so many other reasons. I can imagine, in your case, that you are “on the go” most of the time, so finding the sliver of time to be able to respond to others in a peaceful setting is difficult. I have different issues, priorities and allocation of time, so I would think that it is easier for me to find the time to respond than for you. Even then, I will not always be able to reply on the moment, or I may not be in the right 'headspace' when a reply may be appropriate. I also like and appreciate your comment about replying with “substance and depth”, and I very much am aware and understand that the time to just have a quick look to see who has, or what has been written is not always the right time to prepare replies or responses.

I like you as a friend, even in the limited capacity that we have available to us on the forum. It is pleasant to be able to correspond in a fashion that is reciprocally meaningful to both people. I believe that is especially so, in the forums, in view of the fact that there are no visual cues to enhance and qualify our messages to, and discussions with each other.

I do believe that the expectations we place on other people are closely linked to those that we place on ourselves, though we are very likely not always aware of that connection.

I hope you have had a good week Dani and can look forward to a really pleasant weekend.

With Best Wishes

HenryX

[Dani1981]

Hi @HenryX 

Hope you are well. 

Yes I am definitely a city girl. I am not a huge fan of farm animals nor wild animals... animals scare me in general. Especially moreso after I hit a kangaroo on the way to work. I do like dogs though. How is your companion?

I met up with that friend I told you about who was experiencing personal problems. Surprised him at work with an impromptu lunchbreak visit. He seemed to be in better spirits, well a little more than the other day, but maybe that was because I had spoken to him over the phone after work that day.

I still did not probe him, but I think I can guess what the problem might be related to. He just does not want to be around people, and that is sad to watch. Sometimes you think that knowing what the problem is will help you help that person. But I truly think that if he told me, it would make him more miserable. I just have to be there for him when he needs me.

I spoke to the other friend I speak about. The one who does not reply. He said that he gets 500 emails daily. And a percentage of that he has to reply to when everyone else is sleeping. I could not even imagine. He must have so much going on. I have to give him a break. Cut him some slack. So I havent stopped messaging him, I just dont expect a reply. 

I like you as a friend too. I am really glad we can have these discussions.

I have a little bit of time tonight since the kids are all in bed. 

But I should probably drag my feet into bed too. I have a busy week and Friday is my appointments day (so I dont really get a break). Lucky I am not working tomorrow. 

Good night Henry.

Hope you have a lovely weekend 🙂

[Dani1981]

Hi @HenryX 

how are you doing?

[HenryX]

@Dani1981 

Hello Dani

Thank you for 'waking me up' and my apologies for not messaging you sooner in response to your post of the 14 May.

I am going well thanks. Cold here, 4 deg C on Monday and Tuesday night of last week, six weeks after the cyclone. minimum temperatures of 6, 7, & 9 for the coming week. That's cold for me, even though I've lived in Wangaratta, Vic.

 On Monday morning last, I telephoned the local counselling service and was able to make an appointment for 11.00 am. The aim is to “look at where I've been, am at now, and for assistance in making a plan for the future”

You may say “at long last!”.

As I've intimated before, I am not comfortable with what is happening in my life at present. I want to get myself to a position where I can feel assured that I have “tidied up” and can be ready, whatever happens, for my oldest daughter to receive what I can pass on to her, as soon as possible. Hopefully she will be happy to look after everything else, with loose ends tidied up as far as I can. I think that I have another 20 years if I go well. However, my physical capacity is diminishing rapidly. I am really annoyed, that at my age, I am still dealing with stuff from my child and early adulthood. But the sooner I come to grips with some of these issues, the sooner I can relax and enjoy whatever “present time” that I have in front of me.

The aim, at this stage, is to look at counselling from a social work perspective, with the intention of looking at whether there is a need also, for more in depth psych. counselling, which is easily arranged, if required.

On a lighter note, the same Monday, the electrician came to fit the new attachment to the roof, for the power. Two hours later, Western Power arrived to reconnect the house to the pole. So now, I am back to being able to flick a switch, without the need for filling up fuel and starting the generator. I'm teasing you a little, because I know your feeling about being so 'isolated'.

However, it is good, and reminds me that I should not take modern resources and amenities for granted. The power issue really has caused me little drama, except for the extra cost of fuel. It is also nice though, to have the freedom of easy access to electrical appliances. The only items that I was not able to run were the clothes dryer and air-conditioner. I have the clothes dryer because of the difficulty balancing myself when hanging out washing to dry, because of the nerves in my back being damaged. It was also very useful when Mum was with me. All this is only 'not a problem' because I live on my own now, and have no-one else depending on those facilities. However, it might have been a different story if it had been the middle of summer, and sweltering hot, without air-conditioning.

Meeting kangaroos, when travelling on any roads here, is a common occurrence. Except for the cyclone, there would be more of them near the roads at present. I think they may have gone to the more open country East of where I live. When the farmers are seeding and during harvest, later in the year, there is a lot of noisy machinery on the ground; the kangaroos then tend to congregate near the roads as a 'safe' place away from tractors. However, it is neither safe for them, nor for drivers of cars and trucks on the roads.

A friend recently had a bad rollover accident. I am really amazed that he came out of it just shaken and bruised. It was caused by a blowout of a front tyre on his small car. He travels 60 kms each way, to and from work every day. The damage to the car shown in the photos after the accident was really very severe. The car ended up on its roof. Fortunately, he was able to get out and phone his wife. Because the car was a small Toyota Echo it was not worth repairing and was written off.

Kirra, my dog, is a good watch dog till someone comes in the gate. Then she becomes friendly and affectionate. Unfortunately, she has had to be secured on a running lead because of the fence being down. That has to be my next repair project.

You mentioned your friend, who is experiencing the personal issues and about whom you were concerned. Do you know whether those issues have resolved. I do understand that sometimes it is just good to be a listening and supportive friend, without necessarily knowing the detail of the matters of concern. It is, as you say, sad to see someone withdraw from social contact because of unpleasant personal issues. I have read on other threads, where people are also concerned about spreading their own unhappy feelings to others. However, we cannot offer or receive support, unless we know of each others personal distress, when it occurs.

It's good that you have reached a position of understanding with the other friend, who has explained that they deal with an avalanche of emails each day, and that you appreciate his position.

Recently, I have responded to a number of posts from different people on the forum, and been conscious of the fact that my observations may, at times, be somewhat contentious. At the same time, I try to speak to the person and address their position and topic in the most practical and forthright manner that I think is appropriate.

Whenever I am on the forum, I do often think of you. I am always pleased when we have the opportunity to correspond. At the same time, I am aware that your life is much more full and busy than mine. I would imagine that you would have noticed also, that I now write more about me and my environment, than I had done previously.

I was very pleased to receive your note this evening, asking how I'm doing. And likewise, I hope that everything is going well for you Dani.

With My Best Wishes

HenryX

P.S. I have added a few thoughts and events since I first wrote this response to you on Sunday 30 May '21.