Hi all,
Newbie here. I am looking for help to cope with my mother who has - according to my own previous psych - undiagnosed BPD. I am in my early 30s, and currently pregnant - this is making it harder to maintain boundaries and manage having her in my life.
Every conversation over email or phone is a pretty exhausting exercise in boundaries and trying to maintain autonomy while being very neutral and not 'fueling the fire'. I am very tired of the one-way nature of the relationship and her total lack of self awareness that there's anything wrong at all. We have not had a positive relationship since I was a child - constant ups and downs, mostly downs.
She is constantly critical and nitpicks about my choices (house/lifestyle/money/health - nothing is off limits) and feels very entitled to my life, even though she shows zero interest in learning about me as a person/my work/my friendships or relationship. She has already started asking 'how is my baby' reffering to my pregnancy and getting upset that we don't 'chat like we used to' - even though we've never had a 'friendly' mother/daughter relationship. The careful boundaries that my partner and I have in place feel more important than ever, and I know I will not put up with her interfering with my child. Her communication is immature, rude and downright offensive sometimes - she reserves the right to treat me however she likes, but if I ever reply with anything other than gentle reassurance, all hell breaks loose.
I am very aware that the only thing keeping my mother in my life right now is my grandmother, who I care about a lot. She has never been able to cope with conflict, and so cutting my mother out would be too much for her to bear in her mid 80s.
Any strategies for coping while I have to, and/or for when the day finally comes that I say enough is enough?
Thanks in advance.