Hey there @Knj ,
It sure sounds tough. It's a bit like everything is dark and you are falling into a deeper hole every time you try to climb out.
I can certainly relate. It's not pleasant.
I used to feel so isolated in what I was going through. I felt there was no way out. Yet I'm still here.
It was a rough 10-15 years for me, but I'm in a much better place now. I don't think I ever dreamed that things would improve to where they are now.
I want you to know you are not alone. We are here for you.