Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

I'm not looking to get into the psychology of this right now. I just need to STOP doing it. 

How do I STOP helping a person that completely annihilated me for long enough and has recently done so again. Then they tell me a struggle they are having. I know that there is things to me to work on so I no longer help people that utterly destroy my sense of self worth and self esteem. 

I really need to STOP helping this person and HELP myself. There has been so much damage to me. I'm in a dark place as a result of it and I'm just not me anymore. I literally can't think of everything to work out how to STOP myself from doing it. I'm so tired. 

Please I really need help and support. 

Thanks. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Powderfinger,

So sorry that you're stuck in this, and feeling exhausted because of it. I can't offer much except that being this willing to help means you're an incredibly amazing person - it just sucks that it has become problematic in your life at the moment. Learning how to set healthy boundaries for yourself might be something to look into?

It might help if you're able to talk it through with someone - the Sane HC is closed today but you can contact them tomorrow; there's always the crisis lines as well if you want to chat to someone tonight.

[Ici]

@Powderfinger I think you know I understand, the simple truth is if you are looking for an immediate solution without getting into the psychology and you can not hold healthy boundaries with this person harsh as it seems - Block them. Block the number, Block the social media, Block it all. Send a message saying you have to take care of you now and that you can't help them now, then Block.

I realise that this may sound a bit hypocritical given my recent post but I blocked 90% of my family a few years ago. It was hard but I am healthier for it. Those in my life now are not always so... hard on my health and when I find the strength to put up a boundary they respect it. The toxic ones, I had to walk away. 

So my advice is, if you can't draw that line and have it respected then you need to walk away and Block.

Good Luck 

[Powderfinger]

@Jynx 

I agree that learning to set healthy boundaries for myself needs to happen in my life. Sadly and often being an amazing person in today's society peanut earn you kindness and respect in return. 

I'm on a feel soul search at the moment. Life as I know it and have known it for much too long is not sustainable now nor for my future. 

At this point in my life, silence and as much solitude as I can get is what is best for me. 

I will keep in mind about sane and other help lines should I feel I need it. 

Thanks for your tips. 

[Powderfinger]

@Ici 

Thanks for your feedback. If I need to take these measures, I will do so. I don't have anyone me toxic in my life. Everyone is gone, including my entire family. Just this toxic behaviour with one person. I won't go into details. That is irrelevant. I'll keep doing what is in my best interests and what I decide is right for me. 

[saltandpepper]

@Powderfinger I had a friendship--actually there were a few--like this. One friend in particular springs to mind while reading your post.

I think it's a good thing you've been able to recognise there's a lot of a give and no take in this relationship, being aware there's an inbalance and that you're suffering in this friendship is the first step. This is something that took me years and years to identify in my instance.

When I started therapy and working on my own issues is when I began to notice an imbalance in my friendship with this particular person. I'd been mates with them since school, so the patterns we'd formed in our friendship had developed over a long period of time. In order for our friendship to work--and this is only something I could see once out of the friendship--I needed to sacrifice my feelings/opinions/needs and always put them first. Their needs had to be ahead of everything else, including my needs and also the needs of my other friends. I remember going to them for help on a couple of occasions and being savagely beaten down because they deemed my issues not as pressing as theirs. We had been mates for so long that I'd become accustomed to this dynamic, and if I ever had a problem with them I'd withdraw from them for a while until I could manage to be near them again. If I were to ever stick up for myself, that would have been the end of the friendship.

Through therapy I learned that my feelings and needs do actually matter, and I started to enforce boundaries to protect myself. I stopped being at their beck and call. If my family had an issue, if I had an issue, that started coming first. If I'd tended to those things, then yeah, I'd be there for them no worries, but I stopped sacrificing myself for the sake of our friendship. It wasn't easy though, they didn't like the new dynamic and they didn't like they'd lost control of me. After a while, I think they realised this was our new normal, and they snapped. I tried being rational and encouraging them to see that the needs of my family and myself had to be my priority, but no, they didn't see it that way. They saw that as me neglecting them and being selfish...

Trying to bring boundaries into our friendship and enforce them ultimately led to our friendship collapsing. And I couldn't be more grateful for that. The only reason our friendship lasted as long as it did was because I couldn't stand up for myself, I didn't value my needs, I didn't think I had a right to put myself first.

This is all a very long whinded way of saying that friendships--any relationship--needs boundaries. But trying to put them in place when the dynamic has already been set is hard. They will resist it, they won't understand why you're doing it, and they most likely will lash out in an attempt to revert the dynamic to when they were in control. I'm sure there are some friendships that can adapt and survive, mine didn't. And even though we'd been mates forever, I really don't feel sad or angry about that ending.

I guess my advice would be to anticipate a rocky road ahead if you do choose to start putting boundaries in place. It's up to you how forgiving and patient you want to be when they start fighting those changes. I gave it about a year, they didn't once give me any indication that they could get on board with the new dynamic.

Sorry, that was an incredibly long response. I hope it's helped and I hope you'll feel confident in establishing some boundaries with your friend.

Best of luck with it all.

[LostAngel]

I agree with this sometimes theres no choice but to block some people in our lives the ones who may constantly be draing and helpfull to your health as well as their own unforunetly sometimes this is a way we have to deal with people like that even if its for tempory untill they work themselves out enough to be able to treat you with more kindness that you need and deserve stay strong friend

[Powderfinger]

@saltandpepper sorry for taking so long to respond. I've just had no energy and been sleeping a lot. I've needed it. Thank you for sharing your story. 

I'm glad that you eventually let go of this very toxic friendship. Sometimes we hold on longer than we ever should have. I was in this position at the beginning of this year. Not the same as your friend, but it had been a very long term friendship. About 24 years. Know each other since high school and had been through a lot together. 

I realised that this was someone I wanted to and NEEDED to say goodbye to forever. Do I regret my decision, not once. He had never cared, seen nor understood the value of friendship. He had abandoned me and the friendship more times than I could count. There one day, gone the next. Lost touch a few times, reunited a few times. In touch and seeing each other for many years, then gone again. 

I realised he resembled facets of my mother. He was not my mother but had facets of hers. Dropping me like a hot potato when a man came along that was to become his potential new boyfriend. Telling people not to tell me of their time together do I wouldn't tag along. Just not being a mature adult and saying, just want some time with my boyfriend, but can we hang out another time? This emotional games went on for do many years. I did not realise he did not value our friendship at all. Till the beginning of this year. I decided after looking at 24 years of history, my beliefs about our friendship and so on, that I'd been lying to myself for a long time. It was a toxic friendship that I was genuine about and very loyal to and absolutely adored him. We shared so much history. 

However, I knew in my heart that I was ready to let go for good and never ever go back. I do not regret my decision to walk away and say goodbye. I do not miss him, I do not think of the good times, I do not think about what could have been. It was basically long overdue. 

I did send him a goodbye letter. I don't know if he would have ever read it and I don't care. The letter was for me, not him. I'm glad it said goodbye. I always gave more to that friendship than he did and I also realised that he needed professional help. 

Through this year, I've done a lot of painful growing and changing. The origin of great damage to myself, my mother. My father too, but they both individually caused me a lot of psychological damage. I cut contact with my mother at the end of last year, and my father 11 years ago. He is still living, but to me he actually does not exist. To me he is already dead. I buried him already in my own way. I have put down a strong boundary that I'm not to be contacted at all by anyone, if he is sick, dying or has died. I have said it will go ignored if anyone contacts me in regards to that and I have stated it is a boundary not to be crossed. I have said firmly, he us already dead to me. I got no response, but I made it clear where things stood. 

I meant it and will act on it. My mind has not changed, nor will it ever. I'm simply not interested. 

As for my current situation, I can't talk about it much yet but I lost respect for this person. I need to deal with my own situation one day at a time and do things that are right for me when they are right for me. I have laid strong boundaries down and mentioned the consequences of my boundaries being overstepped. It's progress. 

[Powderfinger]

@LostAngel  I agree with you entirely.