@outlander I missed that image you put up. It’s fabulous.
Diary entry for the last few weeks
ive had my postsurgery crash, been so stressed out with my property settlement, stress from kidults and finally, although gradually, had a complete crash.
I thought I’d get to the point where I wouldn’t return to old coping strategies but I did on the weekend, although a call to lifeline stopped it from being a possibility of a permanent solution. I reached a stage where I’ve had a complete skills breakdown along with becoming really dysfunctional again. I have struggled so much with speech let alone eating, personal hygiene, exercise etc. I have had days of pretty much being in a vegetative state. I couldn’t find a mask or hide it.
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist who had scheduled an extra appointment knowing I wasn’t doing great. I entered her her office in the most defeated and lowest spot since I’ve seen her. I wasn’t expecting to come out any different, and for a while I didn’t. Last night I thought lots about what I could remember. I have had a brain like a sieve. During my appointment I really struggled to put words in a sentence. I couldn’t hold coherent thought. After a self imposed time out at home I started to put some of what we discussed together. I then took my prescription sleeping meds and slept for 10 hours.
Today I feel somewhat human but I know I have a long way to go. I have new meds that I started today and the decision about taking hrt again. I’ve begun the first step to my climb up - washing my clothes (I ran out of underwear days ago and didn’t care), watering my garden, staying out of bed, eating healthy food, had good sleep, brushed hair (still no shower but will get there when I have clean clothes to put on). I’m not sure what helped in my appointment but maybe actually talking to my psych about my total breakdown of functioning and thoughts helped because someone else knew I was at rock bottom.
Its so hard to see what the the next day will look like when you are so low. It’s so hard to see that you’ll get up and try again. When you do get up it seems strange that you couldn’t do anything the day before. I have a long road ahead. Only half my stresses will be relieved by the property being sold.
What ive learned. Riding out the storm is really hard and you never know when the next storm will come. I know when I’ve reached my limit of using strategies but still have a way to go to get through without using unhealthy coping strategies still. I know that I’ve come along way but there will be things that push me past my resilience level and I breakdown completely and suicide ideation takes over every part of my life.
I hope tomorrow is ok too but for today I’ll take functioning a bit better.
Love and hugs to anyone reading who want them.
Just catching up on this thread. @Teej You have had so much going on. I am like you feel I am on top of things and the tinyest ooops can upset my apple bloomin cart.
Learning from those I like. I will make "Learning to accept my past" a theme for me for a while.
Did you mean to write "twists and turns" or ..."twits" .... either way deliberate or accidental ... it made me laugh.
I will take one of those hugs on offer and give a huge one back.
Hang in there.
