Fear of abandonment

[Murphy2]

I have a really wonderful friend who understands my BPD more than anyone else. We usually text every day, even if briefly, but if I don't hear from him for more than a day I worry that he's "gone" -- that he's abandoned me or is angry at me and going to leave. This is never actually the case -- he's the nicest and most caring and reliable man in the world! -- but I'm wondering if anyone has any strategies for productively dealing with their fear of abandonment. My usual strategy is to tell him that I never want to see him again, because that way it feels like I'm in control of him leaving, but it's not that much fun for him when I do! Is it a good idea for me to reach out to him instead when I'm feeling like that? Or are they ways to deal with it on my own?

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Murphy2 !

 Thanks for posting! It’s the story of my life! Smother people or totally hate them!

 It seems like you have pretty good insight into what’s happening for you.

 For me, I had to set boundaries for myself and learn to self-soothe. For example, if expected someone to cont@ct me every morning and b every evening every day. If they didn’t, I would be so heightened and triggered. I’d get angry and then on ignore them until we made amends.

 Through treatment and therapy, I learnt to mentalise and consider why the person may not have called me. I then self soothed by telling myself that I will not contact them until our next meeting. That I had ‘grown up enough emotionally’ to be able to sit with some distress. Over time, my distress tolerance increased.

I learnt that I couldn’t continue smothering or leeching off people. Instead, I worked extremely hard to set up healthy boundaries. That is, to organise contact times and stick to them. These boundaries gave me a sense of safety.

it’s not easy to change they way we’ve always been, but the work is worth it because it’ll save you and then from much hurt. I’m speaking from my own experience. 

This is a work that has to be done inside one with BPD. I learnt that I couldn’t expect others to change for me. I had to change for them if I wanted things to work.

all the best!

[Little_Leopard]

@Murphy2. Practice sitting with and building your tolerance for uncomfortable and distressing emotions. 

if you reach out and he is not able to respond because he is busy or does not have the time then your emotions will become even more intense. Don’t put yourself in that position.

It also puts unfair pressure on him. He knows if he is unable to respond that you may blow up or get triggered. I imagine that would be very stressful for him. It’s best to just set positive boundaries for yourself. Keep yourself busy and remind yourself that you will speak to him at your next meeting.

you are doing great! Remember you will speak to your friend soon. These emotions will pass.

[Little_Leopard]

Wow @BPDSurvivor  that was so powerful. Did you eventually overcome your impulses? or do you still get them but just manage them better now?

[BPDSurvivor]

Nope! @Little_Leopard @Murphy2 

Im totally on my own merry way not being pulled back by my anxiety as to whether somebody will call or not.

i moreso have the attitude that ‘if they call, great, but if they don’t, that’s also okay - it is what it is’.

My BPD used to control every aspect of my life. If someone shut a door in front of me, I would fly into a rage because that meant abandonment. If someone typed a full stop at the end of a msg to me, I would be triggered because in my mind that meant they were leaving.

if someone said they would call at 1:00pm but phoned at 1:01pm, I would HATE them and go off at them…

could you only imagine how rocky my life was?

but now, after much care and psychotherapy, I can’t say I have any of those issues anymore. The self talk really ‘changed my brain’. I don’t know how, it just did. Nowadays, I make sure I do things I’m not comfortable doing just to make sure I don’t just flow with what I instinctively would do (as these coping mechanisms were built from trauma).

for example, when I’m upset, I usually hide and isolate myself (this is what I’m comfortable doing). However. Knowing it’s not good for me, I make sure I go out and I’m around people (what I’m not comfortable doing) - in the long run, this works.

it truly is an incredible journey of self discovery and empowerment. 

id encourage people not to wait for others to ‘fix’ their issues - go and try things for yourself because ultimately, you are more powerful than you think. We certainly have the power to change our own brains. I’ve done it.

[Little_Leopard]

@BPDSurvivor 

You story is incredible. you sound like you are really in tune with yourself and are very self aware. You sound very mindful as if you have been able to “catch yourself” and identify when you have been triggered. It seem to me that you have gotten used to doing the opposite of what you instinctively want to do. As if you have created and strengthened new neural pathways To follow.

I have heard that not all BPD comes from trauma. Some people are born that way. Is that true? If so do you think BPD from trauma and BPD “because you are born that way” is different?  

[Delicatessen]

Hi @Murphy2 

I’m so terrified of abandonment that I don’t generally let people in in the first place. And if they make it past the golden gates, there’s every chance I’ll sabotage so they’ll leave (so it’s a nice self fulfilling prophecy). 

I’ve only just become aware I do this. But I’m not sure it’s a bad thing and I probably won’t change. Sorry I don’t have more positive news for you.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @Murphy2 @Delicatessen @Little_Leopard ,

In terms of being 'born' that way, yes, I had certain personality traits. Then, along with unintentionally caused 'trauma' from my parents (who didn't realise what they were doing was harmful), these personality traits were exemplified and managed in unhelpful ways.

I didn't have one big 'trauma' or abuse which enabled BPD to develop. Rather, it was the way I was cold-heartedly brought up in a home where love or care was never shown. Hence, when love was shown, I don't think I knew how to respond - and thus I had a big fall. It took about 15 years to heal. It took over 10 years for me to accept that my childhood was not 'normal' and not healthy. I didn't want to blame my parents, nor do I blame them now. They did the best they could with the little they knew.

I used to also always question - I have siblings in the same family. How come I have BPD and they don't? I believe this is because my personality was more 'susceptible' whereby environmental factors switched these factors on/off? Also, it was different because as a child, I was physically quite sick and spent a lot of time in hospital.

So all in all, from experience, I think BPD tends to affect those who are more sensitive. I don't believe you can be born with BPD. BPD certainly does not develop until late teenagehood to early adulthood or later.

All I want to say is that recovery is absolutely possible for BPD. It is one condition where the person can make their journey to recovery through talking therapies.

[Little_Leopard]

thanks @BPDSurvivor  for sharing with me. 
You really understood and answered my question really well! Thank you for your deep thoughts and detailed response. 

I always thought that it was very odd, that people with conditions like BPD supposedly had “no trauma history”. 

The reason that I found it odd is because parents who are anttuned and attentive to their kids, should be able to notice when children are distressed. They should be able to build a child’s confidence and work with them on any problems before it reaches serious levels or turns into a full blowen condition.

I always ask myself how it could’ve possibly escalated to the point of a psychological condition without some kind of trauma or neglect. The child would have been showing some signs in childhood and adolescence. How did this go on without the parents noticing, paying attention and seeking proper professional help for the child? To me, that just shows that there was a ruptured attachment between the child and parental figure. The relationship between the child and the parent was not attuned, and the child’s needs were not being met, and the child was not feeling heard. 

The medical trauma and hospital stays are a really big deal. I have absolutely no doubt and believe you 100% that it must have been extremely distressing for you. I have also heard from other people who have had childhood hospital sicknesses and stays who have said that it has had a huge detrimental effects on their ability to have safe attachments and feel safe as children. on top of being super terrifying for the child as well. 

what you are saying about all of the little traumas, building up and having a big trauma effect also completely makes sense. Especially if the traumas occurred over a long period of time and happened repeatedly and regularly. which it obviously did for you. It has a massive impact. 

Shame, miss attunement and neglect of the child’s needs is a very big deal.

 what you were saying about the predisposition to BPD make sense as well. I believe it’s the same for other conditions like bipolar and schizophrenia. It’s not that a person is born with it but they can have a predisposition to it which can trigger it if certain environmental factors and life events occur.  

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Little_Leopard @Murphy2 @Delicatessen @tyme @encee ,

I don't know what happened to my last message from a while ago. Anyway, hope you are doing well. I've had a difficult few weeks and have been really tired so I took some time off work so I could focus on my mental health. I feel refreshed and more able to handle the curveballs life throws at us.

I think this was important with my BPD. I felt that if I was tired, I was less able to resist my unhelpful coping strats. Hence, i reckon it's important to be in tune to how you are going so that you can cope better.

@Little_Leopard , yeah. I can't say I have significant trauma in my youth, but I can say I've always had attachments issues and I reckon that's what led to my BPD. 

how are u going anyway?