Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[hurtingandlost]

Hi im 38 and in really struggling. For the last 12 months my husband and i have been living apart. He tells me his remaining faithful. I know his not giving me what i need eg respect love compassion. But i just can't and won't let go. I love him too much to walk away. I know logically is not working and i don't know that it ever will again. But i can't give up.

[NikNik]

Hi @hurtingandlost

Welcome to the Forums. It's nice to 'meet' you, but I wish it was under better circumstances.

It's so hard when a loved one changes. There's still the shell of someone we love, but the inside there is a person who isn't the same person we fell in love with.

Can I ask why you both decided to live apart? Was it your decision based on not getting the love, respect and compassion you need?

[hurtingandlost]

Hi. I moved out because he was talking to another woman and i felt it was headed for something more. 

[pip]

Hi hurtingandlost. It's so difficult when our partners/spouses find something in someone else that they apparently can't find with us. Did you try to tell your hubby how you felt about his friendship with this other person? I have to wonder if she knew he was married? Have you thought about getting some counselling through relationships Australia. If you could get some sort of communication going, where you could tell him how uncomfortable you felt about him talking to another woman. I presume it was 'online' where hubby 'met' this other person. I would suggest you mention counselling so you can at least open communication with him. Ask him straight if he loves you and wants to work things out too. You may be pleasantly surprised.

[hurtingandlost]

Hi, yes i have told him i don't like that his talking to another woman. As far as i know he has stopped phoning her but, he does still see her in our small town. I have asked him to do some councelling but he will not do it. I have also asked him if he loves me and he says he dies but not the way i am carrying on at the moment. He also has asked for some space. It's hard to do that tho add i worry about him and what his doing while we are not together. I need to let go and let things just happen the way they happen. But that is so scary i am scared of losing him. I can't let go.

[pip]

Hi hurtandlost. It seems he is not going to stop contacting and seeing her, regardless of how much it hurts you. The jealousy and insecurity you're feeling is real and his behaviour is adding to it. He sounds as though he wants his cake etc. I think, at this point, it might be wise to back off altogether. I know you don't want to, but you don't really have a choice here. If he really loves you, he wouldn't hurt you as he is doing. There's an old saying: 'If you love something/one, let them go, if they love you, they will return, if they don't return, they never loved you in the first place'. If I were you, I would look at what you're getting from this one-sided situation. He's happy, you're not. If you force him into something he doesn't want, both of you wind up unhappy. I think I'd be inclined to leave him be. I can't see him changing unless he wants to. I'm sorry if my words hurt you, that is not my intention. I've been second-fiddle and I know how hurtful it is. I chose to walk away because of my ex's emotional attachment to his parents. If he is now unhappy, that's HIS choice. I wouldn't have him back now. I don't trust him to go to them whenever they snap their fingers. You will find someone who will give you the love you need. Someone totally worthy of the devotion you have. Take care of yourself, love yourself.

[hurtingandlost]

I do know all the logical side of things. It's just so hard to put it all into place. It's hard to be away from him. I need to keep busy for the next little while and see how things pan out. I know i deserve respect and love.

[pip]

Hi hurtandlost. Being distant from someone you love is hard. Being distant from someone who betrayed your trust and love cuts even deeper. You gave everything to this man and he betrayed you every step of the way. I know you planned to be with him forever, but time away may help you think things over more clearly. You would not do the things he's done, why he felt the need to is because he is selfish. Whether you want to face that now is your call to make. Perhaps the thrill of knowing how much he was hurting you somehow made him feel more macho. Some men delight in hurting the woman they profess to love, as if they need constant proof you love them. Love means you want to please your spouse, it doesn't mean you want to hurt and torment/torture them. He says he doesn't love you the way you are, what does he want in a relationship? If he wants to chase other women, while still with you, why does he want you? You need space too, to heal and grow as a woman. Be kind and love yourself.

[hurtingandlost]

I will manage to get through this, i know i will have many more ups and downs. I thank you for your support. I do see the situation a lot clearer today,but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

[pip]

Hi hurtandlost. Of course you're hurting and feeling betrayed. Who wouldn't be. You're going to need time to 'lick your wounds' and care for yourself. I feel if you flirted with someone else, there's a good chance your hubby would either ignore you, or react as you have. But I would question whether he's angry because of the 'what's good for one, is good for another' syndrome, or because someone else finds you attractive. If he chose to ignore your flirting, that would sort of tell you what his feelings are. As I said earlier, you will find someone who will love you as you love them. Take care of yourself and love yourself.