Hey there @Healandlove 🙂🌺
I hope therapy can really help with sorting things through..the emotions, the interactions, the places and spaces you guys are in - both separately and together - in life, and the heartache…these imho are all important cornerstones and deserve consideration when formulating how to move ahead, whether that is together or not together 🌺
life is such a complex, full of loose ends and unknowns thing, that what we once thought was a clear path can become lost like the roadway in a sudden thunderstorm - it’s so hard to see ahead it slows us down or we end up stopping or stuck where we are at, and it’s so hard to see the way forward, or start moving again amongst the storm crashing all around us.
I personally didn’t have therapy or couples therapy - my ex husband was seeing a therapist through his work which I have no idea what he was discussing - he was incredibly secretive and became prickly if I would gently ask if it’s helping or if I can contribute in some way, like I was a stranger invading his privacy.
still to this day I have no idea what was happening during those sessions, however I do know that I felt more and more like I was being seen like a bad person for all my ‘faults’, which was evidenced by his growing rejection and distain for who I am. There’s two sides to each and every relationship, and I fear his therapist was possibly working on false premises - or at the least, a biased view - having never met me or heard what our relationship was like from my perspective. Not to worry - some things are out of our individual sphere of influence, and ultimately, if he didn’t want to speak well of me, then that is much more telling, and negates anything that anyone else might advise based on those negative words, leaving me with the choice of addressing his lack of regard as a much higher priority than what the dynamic was in the therapeutic relationship he had with his therapist.
I was the one who chose to end the relationship, because I was sent a bunch of texts which were accidentally forwarded to me by a colleague of his, where my husband - the man I cherished and did everything for - was saying how much of a horrid bad person I was, and how little I supported him. The same person who accidentally forwarded these messages I had bought tickets for deep sea marlin charters for him and my husband to go fishing for my husbands birthday, because that is what my husband wanted - so I worked extra shifts for months to pay for their charters (around $800 each), and my husband wanted an extra ticket so I provided one. I did everything I could to try to keep him happy. The third person was the wife of the person who forwarded the messages. They booked it during a time I would be in hospital having surgery, so I made my own way to surgery and back home without my husband (which happened often) to ensure I wouldn’t be able to attend. So, it was ultimately a complete lack of respect, disregard, and disgracing me to others that brought the divorce choice as being the final destination. It was beyond any doubt that I was not able to sustain the relationship under abundant evidence of such cruel distain and reckless misrepresentation of who I was to everyone we knew. As my punishment, I was totally abandoned by everyone we knew and treated like I had ruined the marriage. I guess, in a certain way I did, by having a terrible road incident where I nearly passed away, and needed support legally, emotionally, physically, financially at times, but for which he deeply resented me, because in his mind I was supposed to be the breadwinner and him a house husband. I had ruined that when a driver driving illegally hit me, and my life and ability changed from that moment forward. He resented the decisions I had to make, the surgeries I needed to have, the disruption to his plans. I tried to keep things as smooth as possible, while managing everything (businesses, employment, 4 legal cases in 4 different areas of law, household, study, surgeries, recovery).
it was his purposeful lack of regard that ultimately wore me down along with the yet-unknown public humiliation and ridicule he was putting me through that brought things to an end.
He was also unfaithful, however I said to him I was willing to set that aside if he would be so kind as to remain faithful in future - however along with the degrading messages accidentally sent to me, there were images that illustrated clearly that some activities were not being kept to oneself, if I might frame it that way.
So, these things - despite how hard I tried - were happening. It was the purposeful complete disregard of my existence and feelings that brought things fo the point of no return in my situation.
Having said that, I would say that - on reflection - I would’ve divorced years and years earlier; but 20/20 vision is always perfect in hindsight, and at the time I was like a frog in cool water, being slowly brought to the boil, and not realising so I never jumped out, simply because I myself was often not considered at all: I was simply functioning on-demand, dealing with enormous stress for a couple of decades where I had zero time to even think what was happening to me besides keeping my head above the waterline despite the heat from below.
The other thing I’ve learned is that (it would not have worked in my case) stepwise boundaries can be helpful… I had a friend who had a loving relationship for a couple of decades and her husband cheated. She clearly was devastated, and thought the only solution was divorce, however when we spoke we were able to consider a momentary time apart which then gave them both space to consider how important that person was to the other, and that mistakes don’t have to ruin everything they had built - which majority was such love and happiness - in one fell swoop which divorce is. They both realised that their bond ran much deeper and they reconciled, both of them with reviewed awareness of the importance, contribution, and value the other brought to their lives. The sum of the parts was much greater together than alone..when 1+1 makes so much more than 1 alone 🙂🌺
I wonder if this could help with finding your own centre and the same for your husband before considering divorce? Even if it helps clarify things, I’d say that sometimes space and time can give loads of perspective and insight, which in turn can greatly inform future choices, and avoid the mire of confusion and regret that can exist when taking final steps to end relationships prior to giving time to breathe and consider.
I hope there’s something helpful here for you my dearest 💜🙂🌺🤗
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