Hi there,
I’m sorry for the loss you all would be experiencing.
It’s obvious that you empathise with your partner and his kids situation, but this doesn’t make your loss of him moving out any easier,
You mention a there was/is an expectation of taking on you the mother role… is this something you and your partner spoke about? And how do you feel about these expectations?
I know you mentioned the housing constraints and the distance you feel in your relationship with the kids, but if those could be worked through or changed is that still something you’d be open on working through?
I write this as someone married to a widow, and was able to take on the role of mother. My situation seems more straight forward than what you are grappling with currently, so I’m certainly not trying to steer you in any particular direction.
It’s evident you are deeply in love, so what it boils down is whether you can accept this instant, full time family….
made trickier with the current lack of connection to his kids…. any improvements to their relationship with you now, after the loss of their mum might take far longer to establish so you’ll need to tread very carefully there.
If you’re open to trying to make this work, you’ll need to start the conversation with your partner about getting the new family under the same roof; a new roof given the space issues in both houses.
Any conversation MUST be with the kids emotional wellbeing at the forefront of your minds. Maybe knowing that the living arrangements aren’t permanent will ease the distress you’re feeling.
I wish the best for you in this situation, and hope I’ve been helpful.