Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Well said @Former-Member re personality. I don't even know that boxes help for treatment for so many too. It puts every one in the same boxes and we all respond to things differently. I'm not so much angry but more sad that I have spent nearly half a century not really living because of them and that my life could have been so different with recognition and support years ago. I was first suicidal at 20 so went like many for decades thinking this was normal.🤔 I just need to keep working through stuff now so that I can try to circumvent some of this for my kids and find purpose and create a life worth living now, just like so many on here are doing. Take care @Former-Member, sending hugs💜😊

[Former-Member]

You know - my current psychologist doesn't think I don't have BPD, she says its an 'unkind' 'unhelpful' label and rather records that I have C-PTSD from 'unfavourable childhood conditions' Did the dysthymia test online, its positive (19), of cause, so what! - hasn't changed anything, just makes me more tired.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Former-Member

Yes, still feeling a bit down at the moment, but not really bad or anything .... it's just underlying since yesterday and will probably stay present till I gave a  ❤️2❤️  with D1 and get yesterday's hissy-fit into better context with her.  She tried to just brush it off a bit later in the day, but her attitude and accusations were too deeply hurtful for that.  When I told her how I was still feeling, she added insult to injury by accusing me of holding it as a grudge and slung off at me for that ...., she will come around, but we are just maintaining civility with each other this last 24 hours, and she is not staying in very much.  

All of this centred on a presumed insult, which was twisted in her agitated state .... and I need her to get over herself a bit before we revisit it.

She is helping S2 with his invitations for his 21st this morning, which I am very grateful for..  He is entirely unmotivated, and I have no real taste for it either, but these things are providing a focus and a life for us outside of WH's disorder and chaos, so that is helping to keep his situation from taking over all of us.

D3 is being a hissy " enfant terrible"  this morning, just to make things even more cheerful around here ❣

Baby steps.

The weather is better here today, so I am going to take a long riverbank walk ... 🐬 dolphin watching hopefully ....

My brother is coming up from the country tomorrow and will be in town overnight with his new wife, so they will be joining us for dinner to meet everyone (my Dad, sister and I went to the wedding a few months ago).  This new sister in law has an mi too.  I am hoping that leaning that will help my DIL - major weigh issues affect both of them too.  It can help to see you are not alone in your struggles, as we all know ....

Rainbows happening here too ... not just the downpours and thunder ... 😊

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member

Online mostly for info about different conditions, but the self-care stuff is a mixed-bag collection.

Raised by a mother with undiagnosed and untreated mi, and bed-bound within that household for much of her childhood, my Mum developed a lot of self-care and coping skills.  She was also a teacher, and had a very calm. sensible and nurturing personality.  I lost her too young, when I was 37, and because she lived in the country for health reasons, and we were sent to boarding school from small outback mining towns, my time in her company was limited, but precious .... she taught me lot, especially about developing that self-care, self-nurturing mindset.

I am also a creative 😊 and as I have posted elsewhere, science and art have a strong correlation, so I have quite an enquiring mind ..... this leads me to seeking and accumulating information, and exploring it for awareness, understandings and possible solutions.

I can see a similar problem-solving approach to a lot of what you do @Former-Member.  

💜🌷

[Decadian]

@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Former-Member

I often wonder about labels - I was dxd at being "emotionally fragile" and that fits me so well - it's no elephant - I can break apart after a series of events that I have no control over - so I really feel that is my label and it fits

But how often does a label not fit - what ever it is - maybe in the secret world of the professionals and how they interact when they talk about your at their meetings etc - it means something

But I am sure there are easier ways for us poor mortals who do not need to read Freud but have can have a bit of an attitude ourselves - and my on-line research finds a lot of double-talk with "however" and "but fors" and "just in case".

I feel the way I did when I read philosophy - each philosopher has to be one-up on the guy before - and the sentences become more convoluted

Until it becomes out sentence - and do we have to live with this for life?

No - I don't think so - but how many of us who have been the subject find it hard to leave that part of our past behind? That is the "elephant in the room" - it's the past labels - and some people just can't see that we grow past it

And this  unpleasant truth - so many people don't like it when we change - they like the old "us" that they could humiliate.

We can leave that behind - it is hard - but what I read here are the stories of those moving out of it - it's like that slither snake game - the better you get the harder they fight

Decadian

[eth]

Hi @Former-Member  I've just caught up on your thread here.  I really hope you are feeling ok with having shared your 'elephant' in the forums.  Lovely to see the support you are receiving.  I have bipolar 1, depression and complex PTSD, very different diagnosis from most of yours, but I remember having many of the same feelings you describe when I was eventually diagnosed bipolar.  Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you warm wishes.

[Former-Member]

Thanks so much @eth. I am still feeling ok about sharing and extremely grateful for the support. It seems like some of the feelings are universal regardless of the MI. 💜😊

[Former-Member]

I have no idea where to post this and if I even should. I am struggling so much and I don't know why. There are so many days I am spending up to 8hrs thinking about SI. I am regressing so much. I tried to tell my counsellor today but chickened out. It feels like she can't handle me going backwards. The same with the mental health team. I spoke to them today to say I don't understand what is happening to me but they throw me back to my counsellor. My thoughts and urges are getting so much darker and more intense.😢😔😰😱

[Former-Member]

Oh @Former-Member, this sounds really painful for you. Has something happened lately to escalate your stress levels? I've noticed SI gets worse with a build up of stress that I'm mostly out of touch with. Are you in the private system? Can you voluntarily check yourself into hospital for support? I find Counselling barely skims the surface at times. Its sad you don't feel free with your counsellor to tell her something so important. I hope you can tell someone face to face, maybe start with the Dr re SI. I wonder what @Appleblossom, or @Faith-and-Hope, would say? You've made some big steps forward this week, we feel we know you better now ans that can be scary if you're not use to opening up, You got on a bit of a roll, maybe things are levelling out now. Try not to be anxious. Have you found way to distract your mind away from those thoughts. Let them just pass? They're just thoughts, and thoughts alone cant hurt you. Put hand to task, practise some mindfulness breathing. You've survived this before. Be safe. Be gentle with yourself. Call suicide Callback service if thoughts get too intense tonight - i found them best. Be thinking of you. Hang in there. Big hugs 💕

[Former-Member]

I'm sorry @Former-Member im not really sure how to respond. Im just feeling messed up and I'm so tired of battling this at the moment. It is consuming me😢😔