Hi @Jasmine2
What you have gone through is absolutely heartbreaking, and it's distressing that you went through it alone for the past 9 years.
I want to say thank you for reaching out here first. Seeking help is such a big step.
While I can't say I have had your exact experience, I do have experience with SI and excess substance usage. I want to assure you that you're not alone. Excess substance use prevention/survivor groups, maintenance to abstinence groups, and alcohol and other drug peer groups are common in Australia. There are usually local health district community health peer groups in most areas, but there are also secular NGO's dotted around the nation such as Neami, The Buttery, or Lives Lived Well.
I don't know if this is what you are feeling, but often people who experience what you have feel a lot of trouble reaching out for help due to shame and stigmatisation. I know you may not be ready for medical help yet, but I want to say thank you and well done for starting on the journey of breaking your own internalized stigmatization - this is such a difficult and confronting process. And at the same time, encourage you to seek medical, psychiatric, or other professional help if you have not yet.
You are worthy, and loved, and most importantly, not alone :))