@BlueBay
I wasn't sexually assaulted ever so I can't know how that feels - but terrible - I do understand that
But when it comes to mothers - I really do know about that - mine was a scary person and I was terrified of her - but I stood up to her - made life hard for myself - and I had repressed memories too - of a different nature - so that part of your story I really understand
But I am not able to write about it the way you do - I don't know why not - sometimes I don't want to talk about it with anyone since I had a good therapist a few years back - since she died - I feel now I just want to let it rest - perhaps it has something to do with forgiving her which I did for my own sake - not her's
And I understand why she was codependent and not able to cope with life - why she couldn't stand to be contradicted - whatever she was - I went into it years back and for my own sake stopped picking around in it - nothing can change what she was like and she was miserable
You are better at sharing what your mother was like than I am - and I do understand -
I have an opinion that we need to get some things out of our system - just as if we had eaten something bad - and perhaps the time comes when we can get it into our past -
Although I understand my mother's reasons for bad behaviour I don't give her any excuses - I learned to control myself when it came to a difficult child with a MI and he was a problem - major problem - a lot of my memories of those issues have faded with time too -
You are still hurting and raw with your mother - at your age - so was I - it broke my heart that she was so hateful and this went on until I eventualy walked out on her when she was in aged-care. I didn't have to worry about her care because she was in a really safe place physically but I still woke up every morning and asked myself if I would visit and this would go on all day and in the evening I was glad I hadn't gone and the next morning I would start again - same stuff -
It's all gone now - I feel that if people had made her tolerate being upset about so much - being afraid of so much - and having such intolerance of so much - then she would have been a happier woman - but she was enabled and I spent so much of my life away from her - and the rest of my family -
So I get it BlueBay - been through similar stuff - you are so brave to write it so clearly - and so honestly
Dec
Oh yes - I did write a letter to my parents - I did include the good stuff too but wrote the hard stuff - and posted it - and they didn't understand it at first - but in time - my father did