Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Hi @Macca00  and welcome to the forums.  It's really strong of you to reach out here and I'm glad to see you've already found some supportive folk.  I can hear how difficult it has been for you since losing your friend.  I've been through it too and the self-questioning afterward is very painful.   Hoping your appointment is a good one today and that you do manage to open up - the more you tell them the better they can help you.  

@greenpea  is right, there was a discussion a few months ago that I started called 'Experiences of Grief' https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Experiences-of-Grief/m-p/644472  where you can read and if you want to tag me I'll respond when I get a chance.  

Sending wishes that things gradually settle for you.  Eth

[Macca00]

For anyone who is interested I did my first session with a psychologist today.

She was great, she have me a few exercises in the high res app to try before bed.

I think I just need to try and attack this logically, try and not let my emotions get too out of control.

We have another session next week and I’ll be doing everything I can to put her advice into action.

its going to be a long journey but I’m happy I’ve taken the first big step.

hope you all had a great day!

macca

[TheVorticon]

Well done @Macca00 , that's awesome that you had a good first session and have some things to work on. 🙂

Way to go mate! 🙂

[Gazza75]

Well done @Macca00 !

I was just going to check in to see how things went for you.  

I think the first step is the biggest and hardest so good on you for being brave enough to tackle it.  Great you have a good psychologist that you can work with.  It sounds like you are in a better place than a few days ago 🙂

Remember you can always reach out here to vent or get help if you need to.

Take care

[eth]

@Macca00  that's great that you've found someone you feel good about working with.  I really hope you feel more at peace soon.  Definitely a step in the right direction.  Brave you for reaching out.

[Macca00]

thanks @eth  @Gazza75 

I came out of the session feeling like i was ready to take steps in the right directrion. I tried an app she suggested that night but it really didnt stop my head from racing.

I keep trying to keep myself occupied but the voice in my head is relentless. I think of my mate, my guilt and the fact im about to lose my job.

I spoke to a friend in a similar sitation and she said i need to name the feelings i feel. Its guilt, its depression and its shame.

Im lacking the energy i used to have, i dont want to train, surf or really do much at all. I cant sleep at night but once im up all i want to do is go to bed. I know its a destructive cycle but and im trying to break it but it seems near impossible.

[eth]

Hi @Macca00  sorry to hear you're still going through it.  I suggest to keep using the app.  Sometimes it takes a while for something to break the cyclic thinking.  Some things we don't 'get over' - they change us forever, but we do reach a point where it comes up more gently and we are able to let the thoughts float past like leaves on a river.  I write poetry sometimes and am performing 2 pieces about grief this afternoon for an audience of at least 50.  The feelings still surface, usually unexpectedly, but they aren't quite as intense and I'm able to tell myself that the events were in the past.  The writing helps to get it out of my head.  Wishing the same for you.  Do you have any self-care things that you do?  Even just focusing on my breathing, counting it in and out, sometimes helps at overwhelming times.  There are a few self-care and coping threads on the forums if you use the search bar.  The thread might start with someone who's not coping, but the discussions that follow can include many suggestions from people who've been in a similar place.  

If you're not surfing, maybe just sitting at the beach in the elements could help.  That often lightens my thinking.  Sorry to hear you might be losing your job - is that definite or something you fear because of what you're going through?  (If you feel like talking about it).  I'm heading out now but will get back to you when I can if you tag me.

Take care, Eth

[Macca00]

Hi @eth 

thanks for the message.

ill keep trying the app but it hasn’t really done too much.

I have tried writing stuff in the app and then you scrunch it and throw it but it doesn’t really make me feel like the issue is being adressed.

ill try have a look for those forums you suggested and will head to the beach this afternoon and just watch for an hour or two.

My feelings influenced my actions and I did things im not proud of. This cause me to get in trouble at work and my actions have grounds for termination. They will give me the opportunity to explain my actions but what I’ve done is most likely going to end in termination.

i appreciate the time you have taken to talk today.

Good luck with your presentation, let me know how it goes.

Macca

[Gazza75]

Hi @Macca00 , sorry to hear of your troubles recently with work.  I hope you can figure out something and keep your position.  You certainly don't need that drama on top of everything else.  Do they know about your friend and what happened?  Maybe just being honest about what you have been going through will make the a little more understandable in regards to your recent actions, especially if you haven't had any time off work from it.  

It's good that you have been trying to stay busy, its a lot to think about and process.  Your friend sounds pretty smart and I would keep talking to her and working things through if you are comfortable doing it.  As others have expressed to you as I have, try not to feel guilty about what happened.

Maybe just try and ease back into your training, even doing 5 minutes a day is better than nothing.  Slowly build up the time you spend doing it.  If you miss a day here and there don't be hard on yourself.  It's definitely a vicious cycle to break with sleeping and so on.

At least your work has given you the opporunity to explain your actions.  Fingers crossed you can get through the discussion and keep your position.  I hope you find a little peace and relaxation at the beach.

Take care Macca

Gazza

[eth]

Thinking of you today @Macca00   Take care.  I agree with @Gazza75  about telling your work what's happened when you get that chance to explain.  If they care at all about their employees it should make a difference to their actions.

PS I find writing things out long-hand to be more therapeutic than typing them up.  I mentioned at the writers centre I'm a member of and they said 'it's a thing...can't remember why tho'.