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Looking after ourselves

BlueBay
Senior Contributor

I’m really sorry

@Owlunar  @Shaz51 @Gazza75 @Maggie @Flying_Hams @Former-Member @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope and others I've forgotten 


I'm really sorry to everyone here. I think I have a problem and I really need help. 
I have an addiction problem with being on here. And also eith social media. 

I write on here openly abd honestly. Sometimes I'm so raw with my emotions on here. But the truth is I have no one else I can be like this with. I have nowhere to go to be alone. I have no space except hospital. 
I write my thoughts and issues reg  my personal journey of my depression anxiety BPD and ptsd. And when I wtite and get a response I write more to get more responses.  The more responses I get the more loved I feel. 
I feel horrible and embarrassed and ashamed in telling you all. 😢
I'm not an attention seeking person.
hate myself at the moment 
Pls don't judge me. 😢 I hope you don't. 
I know I have a huge problem. 
I try to tell myself that I can have a break fir a while and then I get so worked up get anxious from being awsy that I end up coming back on. 
I'm so addicted thst I can't stop. 
I'm affected with social media which my dietitian says I need to stop as its affecting me mentally. I see my friends on there and some losing weight. This then gets me into a bad mental state. Even seeing celebrities lose weight makes me mad.  This behaviour thst I'm not happy to be doing is on my mind. I feel like I've wrecked everything. 
im really sorry I don't even know what I'm saying. 
I'm tired I'm very stressed and emotional. 


30 REPLIES 30
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: I’m really sorry

That is very brave and insightful of you @BlueBay to be able to recognise and speak about all that. Congratulations to you. Unfortunately I have very limited time to respond right now. About to leave for airport and flight back home today. Well .. part way home anyway.  Plane today and train home tomorrow. But I will think some more on all that you have said, before responding further. I will state tho, that I would never judge you @BlueBay , though I do understand your feelings of shame over this issue. Its a tough one, no doubt common to many more than those who admit to it. And I honestly have no idea of the solution.

 

Talk soon, and meanwhile take care and be kind to yourself. Much love.

 

Sherry

Re: I’m really sorry

@BlueBay HeartHeartHeartSmiley Happy

 

Try and get some rest before your holiday and don't stress or worry to much. 

 

I also get in a bad mental state with weight loss, I'm really struggling with it.

Re: I’m really sorry

@BlueBay  Never ever any judgement from me. 💕💕💕

Shame...... the gift that keeps on giving.... I know it personally very well. Unfortunately, I have no wisdom in leaving it behide.

Sending the kindest thoughts your way. 💜💜💜

Re: I’m really sorry

Hey @BlueBay
Never apologise my friend.
I'll talk to you a bit later. I'm just about to go back into work.

Re: I’m really sorry

Thanks for updating us @BlueBay . You have been very honest with your feelings and I am really grateful to read anything from you this morning

 

You do have choices in your life but it seems you are unable to change anything - but here's a valuble truth - we all need to be loved - it is possibly - probably - our most important need.

 

I can't see anything wrong with posting here and getting responses - it does fill a need to be cared about, recognized, yes - loved. And the forum is a space for us all, a safe place. It fills many needs in many people and you are not wrong nor bad for being here with us

 

You don't seem to me to be an attention seeking person, you are lonely - the person who really would be expected to love you the most - your husband - seems to be locked in his own issues and picks on you. Your daughter is being a user atm which is a pest but she can move on - she needs to move on and take her using boyfriend with her. Your sons seem to be fine young men but normally getting on with their lives in a healthy manner. 

 

You are stuck in your past and to me this is a bigger problem than your use of social media. I'm not judging you either - I understand that your BPD is tainting your mind and leads you back into the past and this is really eating you up - imo anything healthy that can lead you away from your thoughts there is good.

 

And your ED - not something I really understand - is one way you deal with your feelings of being unloved. Whereas social media is something we all use fills your inner life is some ways it doesn't damage your health in any way. Not so about your ED - but then

 

I have always had a saying: "All things in moderation, including moderation" - which means some thoughts about your past are okay - it's a real part of your life. Some use of social media is okay - it's where you gain recognition and share. Doing things for other people is a good thing but let it not be to the point where you lose yourself.

 

And moderation is I think the idea that nothing should take away our drive for living our life.  I really like the forum - I feel I have contact with people I like when I am sometimes a bit cut off from social life because of chronic pain. Let's have that in moderation too - I get out and about when I can but sometimes I can't. 

 

Imo your negative thinking gets you confused. Thanks for being so honest with your thoughts - they are your thoughts and you are allowed to have them - but I really don't think it's bad to share your thoughts on social media - anymore than you do sharing them with your health professionals. All the people in your life have their place in your life

 

Don't lose hope BlueBay - I have learned so much from you. I feel concern for you when the world gets so dark and unsafe. But I choose to feel that way - I care about you enough that it's really okay for me to feel such concern.

 

Try and rest before your holiday. I will tell you this - when I was preparing to visit my gd back in July it was just before the anniversary of my son's death and the day before I was leaving I only had to throw my clothes into my suitcase but I was stuck in a hole and had to ring Life Line twice. I felt really bad.

 

But it passes - that time of year was easier for me this year and I think this was because I had shared so much with the forum and the responses I received help me to cope with the shadows in my past better - and I didn't feel so alone because I don't share my thoughts about my son's death with anyone in my family either - 

 

We all have our secrets - sharing yours is a valuable gift to us

 

Dec

 

Re: I’m really sorry

💐💕 @BlueBay  .... no judgement here .....

Re: I’m really sorry

 

@Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Flying_Hams @Maggie @Gazza75 @Former-Member 

Thanks everyone. You all have a special place in my heart. 
I'm so self absorbed at the moment. 
and I didn't get the job I applied for. Just to add to my anger. What's the point in applying when nothing comes my way. 
not even sure I'll have a job when I get back from holidays. New owners take over 1st November. I'll still be on leave. My hours are only fill in hours to cover busy period and lunches. They can cope with my shift. 
if I don't have a job I don't know what I'll do. I know fir sure I'll be a complete mess. 
laying in bed. Don't want to do anything. Not even a walk. 

Re: I’m really sorry

hey @BlueBay
its great you can recognise this, do you think you could speak with your psychologist about ways to help? you shouldn't be expected to work it all out on your own.
maybe you could set yourself a goal of 3 hours of no social media time as a starting point?
maybe volunteer work could be something to look into while your looking for work or even do both?
I know many charity shops are open to more helpers.
I know it all seems pretty hopeless right about now, but there is still some options and help out there for you
hugs and hugs Heart

Re: I’m really sorry

Thsnks @outlander 

I feel like I'm a bother to others 

I'm working three days, only a few hours. 
I was thinking I might go back to hospital and do outpatients in a Wednesday. I have to speak to the co-ordinator. 
I feel like a complete failure. I know it's my negative and BPD thinking. 
what do you do when you're so caught up with negative thoughts?

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